Flat Earth & Sea Monsters

New Knives: A Sprint Run, Regrind, and Something Odd

2011-04-24T16:50:00.000-07:00

Trying to round out the post average here.

A couple cynical ones full of foul language - Check
Something nerdy - Check
Something manly - This one.

The knife hobby has slowed down a bit lately. I'm trying to be responsible or as much as possible. Still, for a guy who could give a rats ass about fashion and other venues I do have a couple bucks for hobby snobbery. Here are my latest acquisitions (all of which are legal carry for Seattle):

Spyderco Manix 2: Sprint Run CPM-M4 Bento Box

The Bento Box in California payed for their own Sprint run of the venerable Manix2 just recently.

Already a great knife by Eric Glesser it normally features Ball Bearing lock, G10 scales on top of full liners, and just under 3.5" of drop point blade. These are made in Golden Colorado at the Spyderco factory and have become the work horse of the fleet for different steels and options. Normally they come with a quality stainless steel (154cm) in a hollow-ground format. With sprints normally CPM-S30v is used and done in a full-flat ground treatment. There are plans for other Carpenter and Crucible steels in the future.

This knife is special though. Spyderco uses a flat-ground blade of CPM-M4 which is a high-speed tool steel and not stainless. This steel is known for it's toughness and is heat treated quite hard compared to most steels. Basically you get a tough and hard edge that can put up with abuse and be sharpened easily. The downfall is non-stainless blades will eventually patina which means they form dark spots. In severe weather/salt they will pit and rust.

I am very impressed overall as it's not even showing the start of patina and came scary sharp out of the box! I have plans to wipe it down with TUF Glide wipes when I can get some to lock out moisture. The Tan G10 scales are also a first for Spyderco and look quite cool in my opinion. Between the drilled liners and flat ground blade it tips the scale at just over 4 ounces which is a ton of business for not much weight in your pocket. I believe they are still accepting preorders for the second run if you are interested.

Spyderco Stretch ZDP-189 Blue FRN: Brad Southard Regrind

The factory Stretch is an amazing knife. Light in hand, comfortable, and a ton of cutting length. Not quite as beefy as the Manix 2 but great for food prep or anytime you need a very efficient slicing knife.

About 2 years ago they released the FRN (Fiberglass Reinforced Nylon) models which were significantly cheaper than the full-liner carbon fiber scale version. This is the ZDP-189 model which just means it has a VERY hard Japanese stainless steel in place of the normal VG10 blade. VG10 is considered a premium steel but ZDP-189 trades a bit of corrosion resistance for a huge bump in hardness and edge stability.

The great thing about ZDP-189 is it's one of the worlds hardest blade steels. It can actually stay stable in a folder at RC levels of over 66 (while most blades are in the low 60's or high 50's). That means the factory edge is going to last a long time and can be ground aggressive. Well, with the help of a belt sander a custom maker like Brad Southard can make it even THINNER! For a small fee of $30 the sharpness level goes into the Twilight Zone. What's more, ZDP-189 can pull it off like Elizabeth Hurley wearing sweat pants at Wal Mart.

Spyderco Lava: Brad Southard Reground/Modified Wharncliffe

The Lava is a great design. Take a cute little blade (just under 2") and stuff it in a heavy stainless handle that fits your hand like a glove. With the negative blade angle it makes for a very comfortable cutting tool.

In factory trim (see below) this knife has a ton of "belly" which just means the edge has significant sweep or angle on it. Great for tasks like rocking cuts or skinning but it falls short as it gets dull. The material you are cutting is pushed away from the edge instead of through it. This makes for a very frustrating knife when you left the house with only 2" of sharp in your pocket.

With my artistic mock-up in MS Paint Brad took off the belly and turned it into a wharncliffe which as you saw initially has a straight angle from pivot to tip. This makes for an extremely aggressive cutting knife. The tip digs into anything you point it at and the rest of the edge just plays along. The disadvantage is that some tasks are tough if not impossible to do with a wharnie (peeling labels, etc). For everything else, like opening packages it blows the normal blade out of the water. I'll take an 80% increase in daily tasks for a 1% frustration increase. It came screaming sharp as always too from Brad.

Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination

2011-04-24T16:25:00.000-07:00

I attended the Star Wars exhibit at the Pacific Science Center this year with some friends and family. It was a fun experience and here are a couple pictures from the show. They were taken via iPhone and only a small number of the ones we took.

Overall it was a very fun experience! Not particularly cheap but Pac Sci never is. There was way too much prequel crap and attempts at education but seeing a vintage R2D2 was worth it!

Here's a Jawa from A New Hope. Cute as Hell with matching Ion Blaster Rifle. I know this because I played the Star Wars dice-roll Roleplaying game for years in High School. Finally that shit pays off!

Luke's speeder from A New Hope.

The Millennium Falcon model. Amazing detailing and major geek points earned for Pac Sci.

Wampa from Empire Strikes Back. Most people don't know the scene was modified after Mark Hamill messed up his face in a car wreck. For the rest of his life he can blame the Wampa mauling. =)

"Han shot first."

A man's best friend.

AT-ST: All Terrain Scout Transport featured in Return of The Jedi.
Strengths - high speed and mobility, light armor, medium weapons platform
Weaknesses - Primitive furry ankle biters

Leah's robe from her into in A New Hope. Who knew all white could be so sexy!?!
R2 D2, actual model from A New Hope!

Tae Bo 2

2011-04-23T21:14:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing I can't stand it's trendy.

Don't think that's my Emo outlook on life. There are some things that are just too damn cool not to love. I think electricity, penicillin, and shelter are some pretty fucking cool trends.

I guess the ones that really get to me are the ones that get famous because of the droves of good looking yuppies who couldn't isolate their own identity if Sigmund Freud was raised from the grave. The ones who need the bandwagon to tell them what to do, what to wear, and when to shit or they will just stand there confused and afraid.

Well you all remember "Tae Bo" from the 90's right? It may very well be going strong still, I have no damn clue. Basically an energetic guy and his daughter (or something) tried to mix basic kickboxing with a cardio workout and soon it was a nation-wide trend! I can't say I could blame people much. It was pretty different and for fuck's sake we were doing Step Aerobics with Jane Fonda!

Tough Choice Incoming..

Punch, knee and step it up like a movie star with a guy who looks like a movie star.

Or...

Just step, step, step and pray to God you fall over and can stop.

Still Tae Bo had it's problems and not simply legal/business ones. There were quite a few people injuring themselves as I recall due to poor technique, lack of warm up, and of course hyper-extending joints with snapping motions. As a guy who went to a martial arts school out of a local recreation center even I could find holes in the program.

Besides that there was a huge population who thought they were tough as shit because they spend minutes kneeing the air and listening to shitty dance music. I will admit in the hay-day some of the people who didn't hurt themselves (or give up after 2 weeks) seemed to get results. At least the paid actors looked damn trim!

Fast forward circa now. Enter: Les Mills Body Combat (and a slew of other Body_ programs). Anything look familiar? here's a quick empowering clip of a lady punching the air wearing hand wraps to get you PUMPED!

In her defense (and me trying to sound not like a misogynist) the guys have shitty technique and look goofy as Hell too. I didn't think it was THAT damn hard to throw chambered kicks or why in the world you have to sling them as high as possible to the point where your form goes to rubbish.

Point is folks, Tae Bo is back and trendier than ever. You thought the MMA gyms, Hip Hop dancing schools, and Hot Yoga teachers were driving you crazy? Body Combat is more badass than a Master Cleanse and three shots of wheat grass straight up!

I think it will go further than Tae Bo and our endurance will be tested (mental not cardio). Most of the catch phrases sound like they were ripped out of a Basic Training How-To book for drill instructors and seasoned with Zen Samurai pop psychology. Frequent "warrior" references and imaginary combatives about how bad you're beating up the imaginary person (Community College Psychology 101 points awarded). Basically it's two dozen paper cups and a gallon of "magic Kool-Aid" from being the space ship to the cosmos. Here are some "pump ups" from a BC forum.

Believe me. From a guy who took "reality based" Tae Kwon Do school for almost 7 years if you get anything but a calorie burn and a lack of injuries you will be LUCKY.

Don't feel bad though. The sport arts didn't teach me how to punch much better and the only thing I could defend myself from was air and point sparring matches.

Anyways, off to punch my bag. There is just something about having a limb contact an inanimate object makes you feel less full of bullshit.

Note: Going forward I am disabling comments to the blog. I really appreciate the few friends who read this but when I use brand names and links it usually attracts the mouth breathers of the internet.

If by some wonderful chance a Body Combat trainer reads this, gets pissed off, and wants to fight me I may very well have to commit Sepaku with a Shake Weight. At that point Hell will have TRULY frozen over...

Don't be hatin on Everett!

2011-04-12T15:40:00.000-07:00

This is more a reaction than a logical article. Disclaimer accomplished! Anyway...

(The Totem is one of the few things left in Everett worth saving. I'm hoping God targets the fire and brimstone elsewhere.)

I've worked a number of jobs in Everett. Blue collar grungy type jobs where hanging out with mechanics and spilling dirty engine oil on my pants was just part of a day's work. I know my shit stinks on a metaphoric and literal level so don't think I'm snooting my way from a distance. Still, any city should be open for criticism.

My history is a bit rough but Everett was gearing up to be the city that Seattle ended up becoming. It has wide streets and is quite accessible. It has a better Seaport in my opinion and currently is a terrific place for machining. If you want something lathed, shortened, or tapped Everett has the place to do it. Sadly it's also the epicenter for filthy whores, gangstaz, and crazy homeless people. Probably per capita Seattle beats it out but there is a good reason for that...it has stuff to do. Commerce is pretty impressive and there are sites to see which drives tourism right off the kitsch chart. "Let's go watch them throw fish!...Take a picture of me on this big dumb bronze pig!" /wrists

Everett though is like Seattle's big slow redneck brother. It really should be a universally safe topic of tomfoolery but occasionally you catch a little random patriotism:

"Hey, what's wrong with Everett?"
"Well with that attitude it won't ever get cleaned up."
"What do you mean by 'ghetto'?"

Um...did I fail to wake out of a boring dream this morning?

I occasionally visit the city like most people. Sometimes I even stop a bar I haven't been too for a couple years out of nostalgia (it takes 2 years for nostalgia to surpass fear). To not see it's inherent flaws is like missing the fact that Charlie Sheen has gone completely fucking crazy train.

Making fun of Edmonds is allowed too but I can understand the pride a bit more. Sometimes driving faster than 15 miles per hour is terrifying for people or you want to shop at a grocery store populated by the post-70 year olds. It has it's perks, it has a ferry (to a godless land of "get me the fuckoutahere!"), and various other cool places. The Red Twig is one of the hippest coffee shops around and Rory's is a damn nice disease-free bar.

Everett though...really?

Open your eyes and charge that stungun. You will need them for your Ke$ha approved Friday night. With three places to buy bail bonds within a 2 mile radius can you party any harder!?!

Interview: Fantasy fans, Gamers, Artists...check it out

2011-03-30T12:27:00.000-07:00

Here is an interview with ArenaNet's Art Director who is also the Project Director for Guild Wars 2.

It just so happens he is also a badass concept artist and visionary. Basically he is the George Lucas of this mind-bending world minus those embarrassing Prequels, check out these wins.

If you love Fantasy and Science Fiction genres of art, games, or books I think you would owe yourself a quick look at his online portfolio. I can personally attest they make for great desktop candy.

For the few artists that end up on this blog he is co-teaching an Online Concept Art Master Class. Sign up quick!

Just Daydreaming...

2011-03-24T12:03:00.000-07:00

In one of my better posts (it had a point) I was dreaming of a zombie-proofed Mercedes Unimog 416. As attention spans tend to go in cycles I'm back on my off-road kick.

Here is a little resource hub on what exactly a Unimog is.

Basically around the middle of the 20th century there was a need for a road-going agricultural work horse in Germany. Basically a tractor that you could drive at near freeway speeds to and from the job. The Unimog became the go-to choice for military, firefighters, agricultural and basically any job too damn tough for a conventional truck but requiring more finesse than a Godawfully large tractor. Here are some elements that all Unimog's share:

* Amazing approach and departure angles.
* VERY large "factory" tires. The Model 404 came with factory 39" meats and those are on the small side.
* Extremely low-ratio gear boxes to make up for the lack of power. Multiple low ranges, granny gears, reverses, etc. Basically 100:1 to as low as 4000:1!
* Portal axles (gears at each wheel) allowing for high clearance, low ratios, and tough components
* Torque tubes which protect drivelines and act as bind-free suspension.
* Flexible frame for added suspension articulation
* PTO "Power Take Off" available like tractors allowing for drivetrain driven axillary components like leaf blowers, winches, generators, lift-beds, etc.
* Available in almost an endless number of configurations

Basically it's not a truck nor a tractor. They aren't really cheap but they aren't really comparable for the task at hand. On paper it's a 1.5 ton simplistic work machine but in actuality they can pull like a Ford F350 diesel, climb like a rock buggy, and run equipment like a John Deere. Bragging rights include being able to say you own the manliest Benz at your local golf club.

Every truck on the road with a lift and 44" tires is impressive but the running gear/suspension was never designed for it. They typically lack wheel travel over crawler rigs like Jeeps and Rovers while those lack the drivetrain of the big rigs. A Unimog 416 was designed to run 40"+ tires from the factory hence the tree trunk axles. They have over 18" of clearance under the rear differential which even rivals a Hummer H1. All the while these rigs have great turning circles and are difficult to unsettle when the ground gets bumpy.

The downfall? They can get expensive and are slow as fuck. With fast axles keeping up with traffic on I-5 would be very difficult. With slow axles your topping out at 50mph w/o engine mods. Then again, with larger tires and a bigger fuel pump it's a slow accelerating 60ish mph tractor with shitty brakes.

Once you get past the eccentric looks, expensive price tag, and pain-in-the-ass it requires to find a local tech who can fix/maintain them it sounds like a great rig. They are very tough and simplistic which is why they have been running though the toughest terrain on Earth for half a century.

The closest modern replacement is the AMG Hummer H1 but it lacks in certain areas (namely suspension travel and maneuverability). Also one of those is going to cost you over $30,000 easily which is the cost of a fully restored, award winning Unimog 416 Doka . You wanna be the mid-life crisis douchebag in one of those or the quirky fucker in one of these?

Huzzah!

A 416 rocking an ATV trail without breaking a sweat:

A Mog buggy climbing a wall:

i SUCKERPUNCH !

2011-03-23T09:51:00.000-07:00

I guess Zach Snyder learned his lesson from Watchmen and went with something a tad more relate-able this time around. That's not to say one of the (if not THE) most epic graphic novel of this time can't be made into a killer movie...it's just that the average American is a fan of Bud Light and cheese nachos. Please say you understand this parallel.

This time around Mr. 300 himself went for something more down to Earth. Here's the check-list:

* Graphic Novel vibe
* A band of literally "crazy" hot chicks
* Fantasy world to escape a 1950's asylum
* Machine guns and melee weapons galore
* Prop planes, Nazis, B-52's, mutants/orcs
* Industrial military robots with chain-guns
* Huge fucking robot Samurai with pole arms
* Dragons

I'm honestly not a big fan of the modern "Fem Fatale" theme. Rather than aim towards some type of GI-Jane or Sarah Connor (the real one) protagonist we end up with scantily clad praying mantis archetypes or worst yet emaciated scantily-clad bimbos. I know the fact is few women are going toe-to-toe with The Rock or that guy from The Green Mile but there is something about a 110 pound 5' 5" teenager that doesn't scream Fight Club. Still, Sucker Punch might pull it off.

Why can I overlook the essence of what I believe is wrong with modern feminism aka objectification of women for "power" over men? Um...did you read that fucking list of awesome?

Snyder has the making for a visceral masterpiece this time. Like 300 it's not always about realistic or even writing but badass art meets badass cinema. I'm looking forward to another film in the shoes of Sin City. A film that preaches dark imagery and a psychedelic trip of special effects over a masterfully woven plot.

There is a time and a place for both. In a perfect world these two things could meet on the battlefield and leave your brain decimated for 90-120 minutes. Since we don't live in a perfect world I'll just switch-off between the poisons.

Here is the official cinematic trailer, an unofficial animated short (which is crazzzyyy!) and a little independent short that is uber dark and disturbing but unrelated besides look and feel. Enjoy!

Backwater Gospel (Warning...animated but very dark)

Asus Kicks More Asses

2011-03-22T14:25:00.000-07:00

I'm not as tech savvy as I would like to be. It's not a thrilling topic really. However, with a title like that who could resist a petty little rant?

My wife is a digital artist which basically means with the exception of hardcore competitive gamers who wear team Starcraft jerseys and compete for money her computing needs are demanding. While I keep iTunes and Firefox going at once she bounces between iTunes, 3dsMax, Photoshop, Zbrush and other programs of that nature. Painting in Photoshop CS5 alone requires a solid platform unless you don't care about the "paint and wait" way of working.

We have tried most PC and laptop brands over the years and they aren't all created equal. When the dust settles Asus laptops typically provide more bang for the buck (stat wise) and hold up to more abuse post-warranty because frankly...their hardware kicks ass. They also don't come loaded with all sorts of shit that the average person would just delete. If you don't believe me on my biased sense of ownership superiority here's a linky:

Ahem!

On to something more custom...

Lately we have had a custom PC built to handle the strain of the aforementioned abuse. This was done via Computer Sonics in Lynnwood and I have to say those guys kick ass on every conceivable level. We have had people who build their own computers look at the parts-list and when they see the quote price their jaws drop. Frankly they must be doing a TON of business in hardware because unless you love building computers these guys put out a solid product for the money.

The best part of having them put together a PC (or any good shop) is you get to pick all the goodies you want and none of the shit you don't. It doesn't come filled with lameass programs as mentioned above in fact when we plugged in our PC it only had about 5 programs installed (!!!). Compare that to the 20-some-fucking list AFTER you paid Best Buy's D0rkSqood to "Optimise" your computer.

The result was something very special if I say so myself. It has a smoking 3.06 Intel i7-950 with a Asus Sabertooth X58 motherboard and 12gigs of ram. In the server-style case it has twin 1tb hard-drives set up in a RAID format to minimize losing work to the crash gods. I don't recall the specific model but it's a top of the line NVIDIA GeForce. We even got a couple 23" Asus LED monitors at $190 apiece. Really stat for stat even a PC version of what we had would have been faster and more reliable but for the same money as a replacement laptop this thing cooks!

Now when something breaks we can actually open it up and fix it properly. When something degrades over time or technology allows for a budget upgrade we can do that. No more throwing out laptops to buy replacements at $1300-1700 a pop.

I'm not writing this to brag about our purchase. Anyone with a credit card and a need can do the exact same thing. I'm really bragging about quality places like Computer Sonics and high-end components done right. If you don't need to cart your computer around with you a powerhouse tower has so many technical advantages it's not even funny.

Really...a quality gaming laptop is hardly portable anyways. They weigh a ton and put out more heat than a space heater from World War 2. Then when you get someplace it's best to plug it into a real monitor and a keyboard/gamepad.

I'll pass.

PS: I'm an Apple fan but in some cases the Kool-Aid isn't worth drinking. Even if it's Apple juice and the skinny balding guy tells you it will make the space ship arrive.

What about B.O.B?

2011-03-06T10:07:00.000-08:00

The goal of "getting in shape" is about as vague as they come. As you may recall I made that goal a couple months ago and while some aim for chiseled abs and a spray tan for me that simply means: Active.

Let's face it, people are either active or stationary. The spread of "active" of course ranges from people who occasionally do push ups and walk around the block to Ironman competitors. For the good part of three years I have been sulking in the "stationary" group of society. Two jobs and a ready supply of Starbucks goodies will do that to a person.

Part of the goal to change it up is to find ways of burning calories and more importantly waking up muscles I haven't used in years. Believe it or not High School Blake was a scrawny 155 pound guy who did Tae Kwon Do for a total of about 7 years. Hardly a tough guy I also wasn't the 220 bulk-o-tron I am today. My quest of releasing some pent-up frustration and getting back into the "swing" of things was to get a stationary punching bag. Enter the B.O.B.

* Starbucks shirt not included *

Century's B.O.B. or "Body Opponent Bag" is a free-standing striking tool for the martial artist, boxer, or flabby insurance agent. Basically for a little over $200 you get a large height adjustable base which you fill with water or sand and an anatomically correct mannequin made out of a rubberized material. His target areas are clearly sculpted and he has shoulder/arm nubs. Basically it's a cross-between a punching bag and younger sibling. Since my younger sibling is fully capable of beating my ass 10 ways to Sunday punching a stationary rubber dude is far safer.

Overall it's a fun way to get some aggression out and wake up muscles, tendons, and ligaments. Even in prior years of TKD we spent a very small amount of time ever striking a punching bag. There is a world of difference between punching air and yelling like the Karate Kid and having your fist compress under a physical target. We did some light kicking but again a totally different experience. In fact, I recall doing about 80% kicking back then which is fairly common if you have seen the average TKD practitioner throw upper body strikes (i.e. they usually suck).

There are some downfalls to the B.O.B. First is he seems very temperature sensitive. Perhaps the newer bags are more rigid than previous ones who had problems with heads working their way off. If you watch videos of people working them the head wags around like a dog tail...mine just glares at me. As I said this could be due to the 30 degree garage. Who knows? I'm hitting him pretty damn hard given how much the base bounces around and moves with about 200 pounds of water in it. My hands are also a bit sensitive after a few rounds with my rubberized bodybuilder. By Todd's recommendations I picked up some Amber handwraps which are very comfortable and have some elastic stretch to them. I'm hoping my hands get used to hitting things shortly or I'll be shopping for some cheap MMA gloves to use as well.

Another thing I have been experimenting with is some Systema approaches to striking. I'm still a total n00b but it seems to be working great and I'm picking up more as I go. Of course, not hurting my hand like a fucking wuss would be a good start.

In summary I'm enjoying the B.O.B., hurting my hand, and experimenting with a little Russian magic that isn't distilled and potato based.

5 Reasons Why Superman Wouldn't Work (Besides The Fictional Factor)

2011-02-20T16:09:00.000-08:00

There are obvious reasons why comic book stories aren't factually plausible. Namely that most people with super powers are still...people. That means after surviving a statistically deadly experience they have to be altruistic by nature instead of a raving dickhead. The non-mutant superheros are normally from outer space or have money to buy all the tools necessary to be Super-y (also statistically not cuddly philanthropists).

Here are some speculations I'll cleverly present as facts:

5. He Was Sent To Earth

If the air doesn't kill him...

So let's assume that a super-being's planet was pending destruction. What's the chance this organism would sustain life on another planet? If Lance Armstrong ate the same calories/diet that I did he would probably starve (possible) or his organs would explode due to the shitty diet (likely). Take Lance and multiple him by 100,000 and now Superman is eating Taco Bell?

This also doesn't into account he survived a spacecraft crash as an infant or that the immediate surroundings didn't kill him immediately. If not, why wouldn't this superior species take over Earth as some type of vacation home or outsourcing center? I'm not saying every SuperBob and SuperJane on Krypton is evil but how many evil folks does it take to enslave an entire planet? We would be constantly getting our asses kicked and then rescued with a formal mass-emailing apology, "Sorry bout that folks, our bad!"

4. He Was Raised By Humans

I said "heel" not "keeel" !!!

So growing up in the sticks is probably a good thing for the "man of steel". Nobody is nosy when his laser eyes go off and burn a damn hole in the barn or he accidentally throws a car into the field.

The problem is raising an exotic pet is difficult enough, let alone a tantrum throwing super-being. How dangerous is it living with bears and gorillas? Well multiply a gorilla by 50 and your approaching what Clark could do while shitting himself in a crib. You know the teething, grip feeling, screaming phase of life? Well hopefully the space craft gave some tools for Jonathan and Martha to help train/raise the young boy...namely a stick with a chunk of Kryptonite on the end and a dog clicker.

The chance of even a sweet baby of this magnitude being raised by weak mortals is as rare as him even existing. If they did survive his terrible twos they would have to call in friends and family to take at some point (due to losing limbs, etc).

3. Surviving Adolescence (I mean the other people)

Pretend Clark made it past infancy. Now he has to go through Junior High and High School. Assuming his changing body didn't emit glandular oddities like a pack of Wildebeests in heat, he has to still put up with the morons and bitches. I hardly survived it without super powers.

In this situation he's semi-mature and can understand basic commands like, "stop!" or, "bad kill bad!" but the rest of the kids are just plain mean (like in that early Lindsey Lohan flick). I'm not saying he would just go around pimple-faced wrecking the place but keeping it under wraps might be tough. I get pissed enough as a grown adult at other drivers without the ability to tear a wheel off their car with my bare hands. There isn't a single car in the school parking lot that would have four wheels and non-melted bumpers.

Really this is the most basic way I can put it. Think about your experiences back then and then think about that smarmy prick of your former self with super powers. God...help...us....

2. Strength/Sensitivity Spectrum

I was thinking about this the other day (Yes, I'm 31). Let's assume you can bench press like 50,000 pounds. How do you pick up a coffee cup or gently stroke someone's hair? How do you take the lid off a pickle jar or pretend to be human and work-out on an elliptical machine? It's impossible!

The extreme variances in tension would have to be done on a mathmatical level, like a computer. Otherwise just walking around he would be accidentally killing, maiming, crushing, and breaking shit like Lennie from "Of Mice and Men". How many oafs do you know who "don't know my own strength". Well multiply that dumb gorilla by 50 and now you have a curious situation on your hands.

It gets more complex (and geeky). So breaking door handles with insano grip-tension is one thing but how do you fly while holding someone. I know there are a ton of other issues at hand while flying open-cab above the clouds but think about it. You have to cup someone carefully to avoid crushing them like a pile of soap bubbles but you also have to exceed triple digit speeds in many cases. Lois would have been safer in a giant backpack on Superman than in his soul-crunching arms.

1. Intelligence = Boredom, Absolute Power = Corruption

Once he was just a nerdy broke douchebag. Now he has money.

Without trying to sound completely misanthropic there is a problem with being far too intelligent and powerful. Namely boredom.

Let's say you can read a book in 5 seconds and retain 100% of the information. Let's say you can use X-ray vision to see behind/through anything that isn't covered in lead without giving people crazy levels of cancer (our society is lacking lead these days). Wouldn't you become a bit bored. You would have the answers to everything. Reading my blog would be FAR more boring as my thoughts would further infantile. Don't worry, you can get a job at a newspaper...writing boring stories along side very dumb people. After a while you would be looking for a Kryptonite hammer to bash your own brains in.

Besides being being nearly omniscient you ARE omnipotent now. Bored and all-powerful is a pretty bad combination when you are a human. Hell, half of us with a badass military want to take over the world. What if you could do it in a weekend? Maybe you would just want to steal the Eiffel Tower because it would be fun to fuck with the French and having a new lawn furniture piece? *ZOINK!* Now you have it! Maybe you always wanted to cruise to work in a Ferrari? If you wanted to be honest about it you could use x-ray vision to win millions in Vegas and buy one. If laziness stuck in who knows?

The point is being bored with everything/everyone around you plus being a million times stronger is not a good combination.

Even if you did GOOD you would royally screw up the world's natural order. Congrats! World Peace is accomplished and starvation just a section in the history book. Sadly overpopulation is getting so bad that it's crowded in Kansas now (WTF?). They have torn down strip malls in Marysville to build financial buildings, Cartier and Louis Vuitton stores because Superman roundhouse kicked the economy in the balls until it started spitting gold coins!

Humanity ends in...3....2....1....

Why We NEED Standards

2011-02-13T12:55:00.000-08:00

(sorry the second isn't focused)

The pictures above are what prompted the title for this post. Sadly it's been the theme of the weekend. Let me explain.

Saturday I had lunch in Redmond at a certain Pub & Grill, I won't name the place because last time that happened I was flooded by Twitter and Facebook fanatics. Normally I don't do the "beer at lunch" thing but my plans were open and boring. One of my favorite breweries is Mac & Jacks Brewery. In fact, it's one of the most popular breweries in the Northwest being that we drink more of their Alaskan Amber than anything else! That means it's our libation standard over Bud Light...an impressive task considering the USA's redneck population. Well, they had everything in the world but nothing from this local brewery only 3 miles away.

I don't mind trying new things. However sometimes it's nice to be able to just go for the staple choice. When your world is spinning it's nice to anchor yourself to something familiar (shit this sounds like Inception). When that thing just happens to be EXTREMELY popular I don't think it should be off the damn menu. It's not like I think I'm an elitist as there are FAR better beers...I've just tolerated Bud, Coors and MGD for way too long to have much sympathy for this alcoholic faux pas. I've seen African Amber in Portland!

Part of this is local pride but the rest is common sense. If you can capitalize on both why not? If you serve someone a Mac & Jacks you can explain a little of the story or how popular it is. This helps swallow the $5 price-tag regardless if the beer tastes good or not. God help us if we force people to attempt customer service for a 15-20% gratuity instead of letting them be lazy and apathetic.

This may just be the last straw that broke the camels back. Who knows? We also went to a club over the weekend for C89.5's 40th Birthday Party and there were shirtless morons running around with girls who looked like they were on acid. Drunks were stumbling around and bumping us and I was about 5 minutes away from knocking a guy out who had no sense of his surroundings (except where the underage ass was located). Meanwhile the security guards (about 10 of them) were standing around twiddling their thumbs. Really? People are on drugs, drunk out of their minds, shirtless and nobody did anything? Sorry maybe I'm a little too 1950's but this was intended as a tame event. I didn't sign up for a burlesque show or a rave. If so, I got screwed out of free glow sticks!

Standards are important. They give us grounding in a frenetic world. We can look at other people who are experiencing similar feelings and roll our eyes in tandem. "Look, those people are disgruntled too!"

When even the lowest of standards don't exist we find ourselves like Captain Kirk on a planet full of weird fucking aliens. Sometimes we are backed into a corner and our adrenalin starts pumping. Sometimes we are just sucking down a pint (as the Brit's say) of rubbish.

I don't mind if the standard-less dredge have fun on a Saturday night or that people drink odd beer from lackadaisical waiters. Preferably I just would rather not be there. Perhaps that makes me an elitist or in layman's terms a "prick".

From my perspective I'll take that title. Frankly the alternative is creepy as Hell.

"I've got a fever...and the only cure is more TRON!"

2011-01-28T12:44:00.000-08:00

I wasn't the biggest fan of Tron: Legacy. In fact, for the $17 IMAX 3D ticket I was a cynic from moment one. Sadly the film didn't turn my expectations upside down.

Without doing a formal review here were a few reasons why I think it fell short in general:

Hype vs Reality

Let's face it, the more you hype something the harder reality has to fight to catch up. Our imaginations are pretty damn creative and anything being being put under the retro lamp had better be crazy good. With old fanboys (and fangirls) you don't have to fight for an audience or perfect an idea...it's about 90% of the way there. Happy Madison productions could have done Lord of The Rings and made money.

It's Called Context

Remember how cool movies were when you were younger? They talked about the future in 2010 was when Hal the talking computer was trying to murder astronauts. The Jetsons had flying cars. People of the future wore silver jumpsuits and flew around in silver saucers with ray guns. Well none of that crap has happened yet.

In fact, the anti-climactic present always makes the retro past seem a bit silly. You see people with puffy permed hair running around in bell bottom jeans and laughter is hard to keep down. The future of crime looks like a Sunday School skit and technology itself is a mess ("Virtual Reality" = belly laughs). The Apple iPhone is more impressive than half the Ghostbusters equipment and a fraction of the size.

Can you make it smaller than a car door please?

Thus movies about future internet and computer technology are always destined to fail because in the future they look like cheesy comedies rather than dark and philosophical views of human evolution. It's not a big deal in 1982 but even trying to keep the same theme is hard to integrate without the "modern" Grid looking like a bad garage sale.

3D Sucks

I'm not speaking of 3D models but rather the 3D film process where shit flies at the screen. This isn't specific to Tron but it sure didn't impress me much. Basically all 3D of this nature is a way for the film industry to rob you dry by tacking money onto something that cost them a fraction to make. I swear there was probably only 20 minutes of actual effects in the film so the nigh-permanent nose dimple from the goofy glasses wasn't worth it. Although, occasionally having something fly at you is a good way to stay awake I guess.

3D Sucks (that kind too)

I'm a huge fan of 3D models and effects. People who aren't are obviously stuck in the past or are clinging to rudimentary models and effects for their reasoning. Proper technology and art in a 3D realm can easily surpass effects of the past without all the fuss and mess. I am sure people thought Claymation/Stop Action was heresy at one point too. Just because George Lucas was a chump with Jar Jar doesn't mean the world of art can't exist in this realm. It's far more complex, artistic and time consuming than most people think.

The real reason it sucked in this film was Jeff Bridges circa 1982. They were trying to show how he created a clone of himself (Called "Clu") within the world of The Grid. The film consisted of Jeff Bridges "Old" vs Jeff Bridges "Young" each with an identical "mean voice" that only he can do. It sounds something like he got drunk one night and swallowed the TV remote; a horse moaning mess. Regardless, making an old guy look like a young guy required a tiny bit of 3D work. Basically it was as laughable as the Dancing Baby" from Ally McBeal.

(the more it moved, the cheesier it looked)

Plot

Take an old Sci-Fi film, add in a couple writers from "Lost" and it will make as much sense as Hurley and Jack dropping acid and joining a rave. Really the problem was a boring (albeit confusing) plot-line which relied on retro throwbacks and special effects.

You never had much equity in the characters or their relationships and the one potential love interest doesn't really have a "spark" besides the fact that she is basically a computer program. In a way Bridges' son, who is somewhat like Labeouf from Transformers (except far less murder-able) has to protect something hot which he can/can't have a relationship with in efforts to save the world. Towards the end you are so tired of staring at CG glow-tubes you don't care about the world or even if either of them die.

It would be like him having sexual thoughts about a laptop he had to protect...

Tron: Uprising

It's been confirmed that they are indeed working more Tronnage. This is going to be an animated TV mini-series which explains the gap between Tron 1982 and Tron Legacy of now. This would include the 20 or so years Jeff Bridges was stuck in The Grid while his bastardized son had to raise himself alone. Why would they do this? The answer is logical: What movie franchise has ever been hurt by a TV spin-off? Please, DON'T answer that.

Really though...do we need this? Do we really need more explanation of how the overthrow occurred with Bridges' doppelganger? Do we need to learn more about the control/turning of Tron into an evil douchebag? If so, can we really make a mini-series about it? Maybe one episode will answer all the questions from Tron and 11 other episodes will explain what the fuck happened in Lost!

I can't frankly imagine the gap without people like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. I think it would be a great spin where they were doing battle constantly and controlling resources. It would be like a nerdy version of Dune but with more glow-tubes and jumpsuits.

Seriously though, please don't. This is one franchise that should maintain a modicum of self-respect if at all possible. After all, our childhood movies are slowly being remade, hyped, and destroyed. It's not that Tron deserves it as much as we are running out of glimpses of the past. We are desperately running low on nostalgia.

At least there are films like Inception being made. It makes the Black Swan's easier to stomach if you can have your totem with you.

*spins pirate coin*

8-Bit Win!

2011-01-25T10:34:00.001-08:00

This is actually in 3D software!

I stumbled upon this artist in the search of some 8-Bit retro love. Here is the official website.

Basically he does 3D renders of 8-Bit art. Most of his stuff is from old games from my childhood including Nintendo, Atari and Sega classics. Some of it is just crazy Japanese Anime which you gotta love!

Extra Bonus Features!

Congratulations! You waited through 3 minutes of stupidass credits to see the teaser for the next movie!

This blog is devoted to Panda's. It's extremely cute and creepy. Let's call it "Cuppy"

Reflection: Snoring

2011-01-18T04:34:00.001-08:00

* Note: This was done on my cell phone, on the couch. *

I'm writing this at 4:30 am and not in the "I got up early to watch the sunrise" kind of way. Since it's a matter most wouldn't write about due to boredom and shame I accept the challenge like a chipper underdog in a Hallmark original.

Systems check

Pride: nope
Mental function: minimal
Insomnia: working

Analysis: ready!

I have recently come to realize that snoring is some kind of evil curse that seems to have legs like a story from the Old Testement. Similar to David in the Bible, by whatever reason it continues on it's destructive path and leaves no family member unaffected. While that's a shitty parallel cut me some slack...it is 4 in the morning.

Basically it's one of those things that seems to occur instantly and have dramatic effects. Like a lightbulb that shines perfectly well until it pops and requires a trip to the store, step ladder and likely a visit to a bug graveyard to fix.

From my limited research it also seems one of those things that while merely cosmetic (except to your spouse) it doesn't really have an easy cure. Surgery may help, losing weight seems to work, avoiding beer at night will help, and a number of "snake oil" fixes are a gamble. As you can see the cure list is basically designed to destroy a man after humiliating him.

What are the problems assuming it goes unfixed?

The best case scenario when it occurs your kind wife will wake you countless times during the night. This way you will sleep horribly and she will feel FAR worse in the morning. It's almost guaranteed this will be held against you and you will lose precious brownie points which don't come cheap! Men use these to get out of the proverbial "dog house" and to earn special rights similar to a cigarette prison bartering system. Besides having this Mr Hyde persona held over your head as an uncontrollable scenario, you start to feel the affects of your monster-dome. After all, you ARE the problem. Of course, chances are you won't hear about this until patience has been extinguished and time is of the essence.

The worst case scenario is sleeping on the couch (tonight this is me by free-will). Following this would be a check-list of fixes as mentioned above which range from silly and expensive to sacrificial and time consuming. As much as I want to get into shape, preventing a 95 decibel diesel engine rumble at 3 AM isn't the preferred catalyst. Thats like deciding to live on a tropical island BECAUSE your damn ship crashed into a rock and you drifted ashore. I guess technically the "worst" scenario would be smothering by spouse but she doesn't have that homicidal twinge in her eye (yet).

So my check list for self-improvement:
* get in shape (good)
* avoid late night beer (bad)
* a number of cheesy fixes

It's really not that bad unless you consider the time factor. After all, every day it's an elephant in the room (at least audibly). The faster it goes away, the better.

I guess this post could have been much worse considering the time of entry. You could very well have been the recipient of a three-topic rant of body odor, narcissist assholes, and how utterly worthless Bumblebee was (Transformers).

Glass half full?

Last Pound of Coffee

2011-01-17T10:27:00.000-08:00

Today I got my last "mark out" pound of coffee at Starbucks, turned in the apron, handed over the partner card, and said goodbye.

It's been a fun two and a half years. Actually, most the coworkers have been fun (with a few total nightmares), the job itself I wasn't a huge fan of. It's not that making coffee is a bad way to earn a living, or that it's not a decent enough company. Rather the retail food world is a hard-knock kind of industry and I'm not referring to a Jay-Z song.

Standing on your feet all day requires good shoes unless you are in the featherweight boxing division. Being that I haven't seen this division since the 6th grade my ankles have seen some wear-and-tear. The "nice" customers make up about 99% of the traffic and while a fair majority of them are very particular (thanks to Starbuck's empowerment program), they do indeed mean well. The 1% of "mean" customers are on the boarder of fucking evil this side of Genghis Khan. Basically ravaging barbarians spitting drink modifiers and anger like a clinically insane death-row inmate.

It's given me a new respect for what people go through who serve me food and beverages when I am too lazy to make my own. While I have worked a plentiful number of very strange jobs including car dealerships (7 of them), tires shops, and financial offices. In some ways the stresses of something as rudimentary as making a cappuccino rivals or exceeds these occupations.

Ultimately it comes down to social expectations (yet again, I remain beating my metaphoric dead horse). It seems many customers of Starbucks see these employees as lower class. The average Barista at Starbucks has at least a High School Diploma (about 10% of our workers are Juniors or Seniors). Most have some college experience and a fair majority have Associate degrees or greater.

That means when someone is asking me to "melt" three packets of sugar or honey into a drink, I'm thinking what they really meant to say was "dissolved". When they reiterate in a frustrating tone that the substance wasn't "melted enough" I'm slowly and inwardly starting to hate them and ultimately myself. Compounding these mundane daily issues, which are not the customer's problem, with your pending or received degree makes for a disgruntled worker over the long-term.

Many people work at Starbucks because it's a good company. It takes care of it's workers with benefits and a safe and structured environment. The only problem I see is that it falls directly between two social worlds: Low and High class. I'm merely referring to education while typically these socioeconomic descriptors are used for income brackets.

The lower class, or less educated workers, will typically seek employment at legitimate fast-food industries. Less is expected on all levels and that works out fairly well. The upper class works at the artisan-type equivalent which is usually linked to a book store or located in a rich shopping center. The patrons of these establishments seem to treat the eccentric retail workers like family members rather than serfs. After all, they are manually packing espresso into a utilitarian "old school" machine as Jazz music is playing in the background. There isn't a fucking drive-through window.

I will miss all my coworkers and hope their lives are full of success and happiness. I will miss my customers (99% of course, the less eccentric the better). I will miss the weekly pound of free coffee, the frequent six-shot white mocha Espresso, and of course the random conversations that a coffee shop brings:

"Who would win in a fight: Chewbacca or Gandalf the Grey?"

"Why can't I meet a good guy at a bar?"

"How did you forget your car keys in Seattle and still get home(New Years)?"

"Is she calling the police again for her parole-violating ex-baby daddy?"

"I called the cops on him because he was violently pointing at me!"

"She can't get to work on time because her 3rd grade son brought a knife to school ?!?"

Shit. I'm going to miss that place.

Ironic finding this blog today. Adding it to my roster. http://hollywoodstarbucks.com/

Zebralight SC51w

2011-01-08T14:22:00.000-08:00

I have never thought I would be so pumped up about Chinese flashlights. Some brands defy the normal logic of what "made in China" means.

Without dealing with political issues, this group includes quite a few makers of lights including: Olight, 4Sevens, Zebralight, Fenix, Dereelight, Solarforce, Tiablo, Nitecore and a few more that just aren't on my radar. These companies create products with quality components, industry leading technology, tight tolerances, and for a great price. In fact, most of these outperform American makers at multiple times the price. Those listed above aren't all on equal playing grounds, but you get what you pay for and they all pound out the performance.

Zebralight is towards the upper end of that spectrum regarding performance and quality. They don't have any multi-hundred dollar "high end" lights but rather stick to a simple model of business: Small and powerful. Making a name for themselves with powerful small headlamps they have now moved into the flashlight scene using the same technology and features. Luckily for us their lights price from about $50 to $80 and can fit almost any goal at hand (besides search and rescue).

Here are some features common in almost every Zebralight:

* Efficient dimensions (length, width, weight)
* Multiple modes of carry (headband, clip, etc)
* Genius U.I. (explained later)
* High performance LED (Neutral and Cool tints) driven towards efficiency
* Water resistant/proof to competitive levels

The SC51w is no different. The "W" indicates it's a warmer (or Neutral at about 4200k) tint compared to the standard Cool tint (approx 6500k). The SC51w is a very new model while the SC51 has been around about a year kicking tail and taking names.

Left: ZL 51w (neutral) Right: Nitecore Extreme Q5 (cool)
The Nitecore has a MUCH larger head and smaller LED, thus the tighter hotspot.

It's an evolution of the SC50 light series that uses a similar AA battery (normal Alkelines, Lithium disposables, or rechargeable batteries), but uses a different LED. The SC50's use a cool or neutral Cree XP-E LED; the SC51 uses Cree XP-G cool or neutral LED which is larger. The difference is quite a bit more output for the same runtime with a slightly wider hotspot. Based on the technology magic of Zebralight the spot doesn't seem that much less "tight" either from the naked eye so the upgrade pretty much all positive.

Compared to a standard AA light the SC51 is a powerhouse. On high it pumps out 200 lumens out the front (172 OTF for the W version). Compared to the Surefire 6p that most police carry at 65 lumens that's quite a step up! Regardless of the LED vs Incandescent debate the ZL is smaller, lighter, brighter, and cheaper...on a AA battery instead of a CR123 lithium battery.

Other perks include fairly deep carry chrome pocket clip, the ability to tail-stand, 6 modes (7 if you include strobe), and a label-free grey anodized aluminum body.

Really the winner of this light is the User Interface (or U.I.) though. Linked to a very cool and comfortable side-click button Zebralight's mode selection is a homerun hit. Most brands require cycling brightness levels, memorizing levels by locking in and out of "tactical" mode, or leaving the light on a certain brightness for a few seconds. Zebralight bypasses this by letting the user act smarter than the product.

* Quick click and release = full brightness
* Double click and release = medium brightness
* Click and slow release (a little over a second) = low mode
* Click and hold = toggle low/medium/bright...release when you want the mode.

Here are the brightness levels for the SC51w:

* High: H1 172 Lm (0.9 hrs) or H2 86 Lm (2.4 hrs) / 120 Lm (1.7 hrs) / 4Hz Strobe

* Medium: M1 26 Lm (12 hrs) or M2 7 Lm (39 hrs)

* Low: L1 2.2 Lm (3 days) or L2 0.18 Lm (16 days)

Each mode has a secondary brightness which you can get to by double-clicking while the light is on. The light remembers which of the two modes you were on when it's turned off or switches so that becomes the dominant mode. Leave it on the brightest high and it stays that way as the default, leave it on moonlight low mode and it stays there. How useful!

Literally a minute after playing with the light I could bounce to any primary mode immediately. I could activate each optional brightness level in only an extra second. You simply can't do this with most lights. The side-click is super cool and ergonomic. It also feels more like a TV remote than a heavy-handed flashlight clicker...very crisp and responsive.

In summary this thing is badass!!! I want the SC60 next which uses a larger rechargable lithium (18650) for a TON of runtime and a bit more brightness. I'd like the "all flood" H501w headlamp which would make a great work light when you don't need a sharp hotspot.

None of the Zebralights have what is considered a "throwing" beam profile. They have narrow heads with shallow reflectors to maximize pocket space and weight. This also means they will give more "flood" light which is arguably more useful for a dog walk or navigating a dark bedroom. The ones with reflectors (headlights and flashlights) will still toss out a ton of light a couple hundred feet. Most use the tricktastic UI system and have a cool pocket clip.

If you can't afford or justify a custom light I would highly recommend one of these Zebralight's as your only means of illumination. Anything with a 50 or 51 (or 501) designation is AA batteries, 30 or 31 is lithium (like a camera battery), 60 is large lithium battery powered. SC means flashlight; H means headlamp. The headlamps range from all flood to a conventional beam so they are a bit more confusing.

Thanks for reading!

2011 Is Going To Be Great

2010-12-30T13:11:00.000-08:00

What with my recent stretching of almost every antagonistic muscle in my body, a positive note is long past due.

I hope everyone is gearing up for the New Year. This would include some type of guest list, a cabinet full of liquor and fine beers, plus of course a resolution which ranges from attainable to superhuman in scope. The rest of the next year is hopefully things planned like vacations, promotions, or other exciting events the crystal ball has foretold. My wife and I are looking forward to this last part.

We met 8 years ago while in college. This year she will be graduating (!!!). Through a series of unfortunate events, including one college closing, it's finally happening. As they say, the third time being a sophomore is the charm, right?

For the last few years I have been working two jobs: a white collar worker by day and a Barista at night. Besides the 12+ hour shifts consisting of most the week the traffic has been frustrating. I spend an average of 2 hours in traffic a day before starting the second job and having to put a fresh retail smile on. However, it's taught me a new found respect for retail workers and what they go through. The change in plans goes hand-in-hand with my wife's graduation. Yet, the surprise is what really has us smiling.

Without disclosing too much about personal lives, she has been offered a job at a large local company filled with some of the worlds best artists and programmers. They actually hired her 4 months prior to graduation which is almost unheard of by the school's history (even though it's a terrific school) and IS unheard of regarding this company's history (hires from her school, I'm sure they have done it before elsewhere). She gets to bypass the stress and anxiety of business cards, promotion, career day and the rest of the rat-race. It's one of those things you can't supply for your spouse but only wish could happen. She even might have a part-time job lined up in April!

Meanwhile I get to quit my second job. It's been a great place with fun people and memories. Still, focusing on being an effective worker at one job is difficult enough. Throw in strange work hours, rush-hour traffic, and a change of wardrobe makes it extra tiring.

All in all 2011 seems like it's going to be a fun and exciting year. I feel like I'm graduating as well and her new occupation seems surreal given the current economy. Being able to focus on learning my trade and her with hers is the best of both worlds. At least now when we work 60+ hours a week it's by our wishes.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Well that's the damn truth.

Wow! Comments?

2010-12-28T22:15:00.000-08:00

I temporarily took down a blog lambasting a certain bakery due to unscrupulous marketing. While I appreciate the attention, I can only read through so many angry comments. I guess that is what happens when you link it from your company Twitter and Facebook page. I'm all for playing the odds but 20,000+ Acolytes vs 1 unknown blogger is hardly a fair fight. Eat this censorship sandwich Freedom of Speech!

What I learned is that fanboyism is pretty intense when it comes to multi-grain products. I also learned that we should support ex-drug addicts and convicts if they have long hair and rock out at county fairs. After all, I've never beat up a cop or sold drugs to people but if I DID and said "sorry" people should turn the other cheek regardless of my lack of humility. I can always spin this into something good and be the spokesman of a company.

I've never met this guy. I also have never read about any shame about his past. Every pic has a joke about his hair being messed up in a mug shot, or being too grumpy to smile. His fucking testimonial (which spans 18 pages) is more acerbic than my entire blog! Read it if you want.

It's not about the past, it's about the present. It's about crime-punishment-atonement-humility-positive message. The person in question is skipping a few steps along the way. I'll simplify it further:

1. Commit crimes 99.9% of society never does (bad)
2. Serve your time and become a better person (good)
3. Find your passion and tell your story in your work (GOOD)
4. Whimsically and arrogantly joke about your past showing the world your really just a smarmy dick. (fuck you)

Theoretically if I ruined lives, stole property, got people hooked on drugs (children?), the first thing out of my mouth would be "SORRY". Since I haven't I can't speak for sure.

I think the biggest crime here is attempting to be funny about something that shouldn't be a joke. It's a career path based on deflection, justification, and low-brow humor.

Sorry but I'm not laughing.

Merry Manly-Birthdaymas To Me!

2010-12-27T10:39:00.000-08:00

When I tell people my Birthday is 2 days after Christmas most people respond with something like,

"Awww you poor soul."

It's like I've been beat with a rubber house through my childhood or something. Truthfully it's not a big deal and I usually make-off like a bandit. Of course, in my heart I know that Jesus' birthday beats mine hands down but I'm coping with that insecurity better each day.

I'm not going to do a formal review of this because I'm waiting for Todd to get around and write another post. It's been about 5 months since his last one so it better be more prophetic than The Time Machine. Since I blatantly copied him in getting one, and he found this flashlight for my family to buy on the secondary market, I figure that's only right.

Here is the long and the short:

Mac's SST-50 EDC
* Custom Brass Flashlight, normally 4 week wait (unless your bro finds it online)
* Deep-carry Titanium Clip
* Luminous SST-50 LED (I.E. "BIG ASS LED") with a neutral-warm tint
* Runs off one IMR16340 (I.E. "high-performance rechargeable battery")
* Forward-clicky recessed switch allows to tail-stand.
* Three brightness with memory (low/high/really high)

It's heavy, bright, and cool in a very nerdy way. There is even that strange brass smell that makes you feel like an old dirty prospector.

I am formerly and utterly impressed.

Well...THAT Was Awkward!

2010-12-22T11:22:00.000-08:00

No political reason this is here. I typed "awkward" on Google Images.

One of our frequent stops for lunch is a locally-owned grocery/market. I just so happened to apply for employment there, was interviewed, then turned them down. I had my reasons so let's just leave it at that.

Regardless we still stop in at the same market. The level of paranoia has increased 10 fold from nothing ( 10 x nothing = nothing but bear with me on this one). There is the general manager who looks like a gigantic dweeb from Mayberry and a tiny old man who looks like Santa's elf manager. I dodge certain isles, browse the soup counter a bit longer (or a bit less) and otherwise act like a child.

What's the damn problem? It was a business decision on both ends and shouldn't change anything! Well, thank you Mr. Idealistic! I'll slot that one next to my fear of spiders; it's another irrational fear that has me scampering like an infant.

Some people love awkwardness. Most of these people just like awkwardness they can CONTROL. It's a key factor like driving fast: Having the wheel in your lap vs a big flat dash with "SRS" imprinted on it. (supplemental restraint system = airbag).

There is just a part of me that feels strange seeing people from my past where things didn't always go ideal. Even friends who I really liked but we went separate ways I tend to avoid like the T-Virus from Resident Evil. Girlfriends of my past (oh the plethora of broken hearts... /sarcasm), I evade quicker than dodgeballs covered in tar and flames. In fact, I use "girlfriends" liberally because I went on ONE date with one girl from community college and seeing her in Kohls I jumped into the lingerie isle like Max Adventure (my imaginary crime fighting alter-ego). Could you imagine the drab conversation that would have ensued:

Me, "Hey how's it goin?"
Her, "...do I know you?"
Me, "Oh yea! We went on a date once 10 years ago. You were in my Community college English class. I forgot your name."
Her, "Oh...yea I kinda remember. I don't know your name either."
Me, "I'm Blake."
Her, "I'm ____."
Me, "Cool! Nice seeing you. What have you been up...er. How goes...uh. So, you like Kohls I guess?"
Her, "..."

Obviously my poetic imagination of Shakespearean tears, accents, and Hemlock-assisted love suicides is FAR out of line. She doesn't remember me, I don't remember her, I never killed her dog, she never slashed my tires. There is no reason to be awkward.

Yet, it is.

Even friends from High School I feel that I SHOULD have kept in contact with. It makes sense they moved to fucking Minnesota and I stayed here. It makes sense since we had that one teacher in common 15 years ago; that's a bond you can't kick merely with time alone! They never kept in contact with me, nor probably feel strange about it.

As a Communications major I'm great at making awkward topics into casual ones. The inner child who pisses himself is great at making non-topics into life-altering awkward ones.

Go figure. Fuck you diploma.

My New Desktop Wallpaper

2010-12-20T14:21:00.000-08:00

This is probably the most manly movie poster ever made.

Checklist:

* Clint Eastwood scowling
* Mug of beer
* Double-barrel shotgun

A caption that comes to mind is something like,

"I'll shoot you when I'm done with this fucking beer."

Pablo Picasso at the Seattle Art Museum

2010-12-20T08:52:00.000-08:00

A master artist (or perhaps his goblin doppelganger)

We saw the Picasso exhibit at the SAM this weekend. It was an enjoyable experience and I would recommend it for you artists or art aficionados. For everyone else, it might be worth passing if you have anything else to spend your $23 on.

Yep, I just said that. Obviously this won't be the most formal review of a great exhibit. It's probably not even a decent non-formal review. It's Monday and I'm tired with no desire to weave syntax into a web of aesthetic beauty...fuck it.

What I learned about Picasso:

* He obviously was a masterclass artist and innovative genius.
* He developed Cubism and his own style of abstract art.
* He did a TON of art.
* He was pretty much insane or at the least artistically eccentric.
* He was a womanizer and had more ladies than The Fonz.
* He was (and is) loved by women regardless.

What I learned about people who see Picasso:

* Few of them can fully appreciate the art theory behind Picasso's work.
* Most of them are snooty-fuckers who would visit anything for the attempt to maintain this status.
* The rest think $23 for a ticket to anything but a bear vs lion fight is bullshit.
* People have nil peripheral vision and sense of immediate surroundings.

I appreciate going. I appreciate seeing the exhibit with my wife (who is an artist). Even she said the experience is a bit costly when you factor in lunch, parking, tickets, etc.

The main thing I was thinking about at the end was not related to the art itself. It's sad and the truth hurts but that doesn't make it less-true.

When you factor in the art-societal paradigm it's fairly obvious that most people were ignorant (albeit appreciative) of the artist. When the guide is walking around explaining how "radical" Cubism is and people are nodding like it's refreshing news the assessment is validated. That means that MOST people are simply showing up to feel special. It's the same reason some people buy Balsamic vinegar that is on the cost-per-ounce scale of Versace perfume. It's the same reason that SOME people drink expensive wine they couldn't pick during a blind taste-test from the $10 shit.

Of course, within my jaded caveat there are some people who are not under this umbrella. They fully appreciated the event and saw it as a spectacle of a lifetime. In fact, on the topic of it being a unique experience that is something anyone can appreciate. I could watch a giraffe give birth during a safari in Africa and while I wouldn't perhaps fully understand it amongst other wild animal births...I certainly would never forget it (even if I wanted to).

The other thing I was reminded of and constantly enforced while walking through Pike's market is the average person has NO sense of surroundings. Blame this on a infant-level of peripheral vision or perhaps the organ that generates Ninja senses of your immediate surroundings. People half my size were bumping into me, elbowing me, and bludgeoning me with anything in their arms during a quick turn-around. Call me paranoid but I don't like touching strangers...I pretend they are lava-zombies. You don't touch a fucking lava-zombie because it never turns out well.

In real life you just get odd looks and strange conversation by bumping people. Two things I would rather face-down the apocalypse than have to deal with. If it comes to elevator conversation or a bunker full of zombies give me a shovel and point me towards the carnage.

At least that way awkwardness ceases or I end up dead. Silence either way. It's a win-win scenario.

Ben Taylor

2010-12-07T10:21:00.000-08:00

After justifiably ripping on Bruno Mars I figured I would put myself out there with something I actually like. Gotta keep that cynical pendulum somewhat balanced right?

Ben Taylor is the son of James Taylor and Carly Simon. You have to admit that is serious lineage. He describes his music as a "neo-psychedelic folk funk". He describes himself as an acoustic musician who tries to not take himself too seriously.

I think few people would see me as a folk fan. Most would say my taste in music is eclectically crappy. This guy has the approval of everyone I've run into.

Maybe it's time to stop listening to that Gypsy Jazz trio from Quebec?

Here are some of his songs:

Parody Love Song: "Wicked Way"

"America"

"Nothing I Can Do"

Comic Book Movies

2010-12-06T13:33:00.001-08:00

It's not a new trend for Hollywood to jump on the comic book bandwagon. It's just seems more common for big name actors to do it these days.

I believe part of the reason for this is it's becoming increasingly difficult to spin the same basic plot themes. Remember, when people say, "It's been done before" as an insult for a bad film it's more literal than they think. The key is to spin the same basic idea with enough story and character to keep the viewers interested and believe it's fresh and unique. The new Ford Mustang has more in common with the older cars than people think.

The rest of it comes down to risk vs reward. A good comic book (or novel based movie) already has a proven fanbase. It already has history, setting, characters, development, and the rest of the dramatic structure. A comic book is even framed like a storyboard for the director to observe and modify. Slam a few actors, sponsors, and witty lines and you have a decent film in the making (at least one that has a chance to break-even).

Speaking of risk vs reward, did anyone actually want a Thor movie?

Special effects are a blessing and a curse because you can hide proper film-making with glam but it's hard to make a "super hero" film with laughable effects. Stan Lee commented in an interview on this phenomenon saying for Marvel it's due to advances in technology. When asked why it took so long for a Spiderman film to happen this was the very reason. It's difficult to send someone swinging through the cityscape on wires and definitely more impressive when pushing cameras though 3D programs. Alternatively, Batman was easier to pull off due to having human (albeit very athletic) abilities.

As they say, absolute power corrupts absolutely and 3D isn't immune. There are great things about using this technology for cinema but most of these you can never tell. Not to take credit from Pixar or James Cameron's Avatar (which had splendid art) but besides the genre of "3D film" the subtle tweaks and color corrections are what save the industry as a whole money and make sure those shots happen properly. You can do more with a good matte painting than an entire day using a double-doppler weather meter. Still, give a child a bag of candy and the tummy ache is guaranteed.

What happens is that directors are at nature megalomaniacs. It's not all of their fault, they have to instill confidence and are often looked with oogly eyes...the deity complex is waiting to happen. They have the film in their mind and want to make sure it's as epic and amazing in a tangible format. Once one of these people realizes he/she can green screen 90% of the movie or use Motion Capture animation to cut costs and speed up the process...explaining what they are losing is impossible. As you probably know a little technology can expedite or emphasize a film but too much reeks of "CG glam". Like any addiction the more you give in the less control you retain as it waters down the soul of your art.

Speaking of evil incarnate, releasing a "Movie in 3D" is almost always the flaw of mankind (I enjoyed Captain Eo at Disneyland when I was 10 years old). I'm not referring to 3D models, like Pixar or Dreamworks, but rather the "pop-out!" shit that peppers a good movie detracting from the experience. The subtleties are what enhance the product; the exuberance is akin to 5 pounds of garlic that burn your insides and ruin your sense of taste for days.

Sadly most film makers are focusing on comics/graphic novels and even fine pieces of literature as a wham-bam system of making money. Churn a fanbase, sell out with special effects, hype it to death, and try to make money back the first weekend (because nobody will see it twice). Don't focus on Wolverine as one of the most intensely interesting and troubling characters of all time...CG those claws in asap and have Hugh Jackman running shirtless! Maybe he can accidentally ruin the sink in a feat of slapstick comic relief, because a murder-bent rage-filled mutant asshole makes for a great 4th Stooge.

"Hey Marvel, fuck you and those boring textured claws"

Having a properly weighed perspective on a piece is important. Having chemistry between the characters and development is necessary. Knowing when to cut-back is essential. You don't have to put on a gallon of cologne to win the girl over.

Although, having Eva Mendes burst into flames would have made Ghost Rider a MUCH better (and shorter) movie.

"Sappy Crappy R&B Lyrics" Award Goes To...

2010-12-02T08:24:00.000-08:00

Song: "Grenade"

It's not rare to hear a crappy song on the radio while slumming through stop and go traffic. Really the entire rap genre is lyrically challenged (while I'm not debating the music itself). Pop is simply sad. Anything done with any resemblance to the Black Eye Peas is considered an act of war by NATO.

I guess calling Bruno Mars "R&B" isn't fair. I don't think there is much rhythm or blues anywhere. It's more of a sappy love song with very perturbing lyrics. What goes well with love and affection? Threat of violent martyrdom of course!

The violence is bold-fonted:

Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
Should of known you was trouble from the first kiss, Had your eyes wide open -
Why were they open?
Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked, Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won't do the same

No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue beat me till I'm numb Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you're from
Mad woman, bad woman,
That's just what you are, yeah,
You’ll smile in my face then rip the breaks out my car
Gave you all I had

If my body was on fire, ooh You’ d watch me burn down in flames You said you loved me you're a liar Cause you never, ever, ever did baby...
But darling I’ll still catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain, Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ; But you won't do the same.
No, you won’t do the same,
You wouldn’t do the same,
Ooh, you’ll never do the same,
No, no, no, no

Honestly I spent most the song laughing at the strange context of violently being tortured and killed during the sarenade of a love song. Looking up the lyrics it seems the song consists of just a chorus that is recycled and altered constantly...similar to how they make hot dogs.

Since pop culture uses the word "love" as a euphemism for "booty" anytime singers attempt to be sincere it's humorous already. I guess these lyrics are a torturous spin on the "death do you part" vows of marriage but the song just doesn't fit that.

I guess naming a love song after a shrapnel spitting pyrotechnic anti-personal weapon was the first hint that stupid was trailing close behind.

PS: Whoever "rips the breaks out of his car" didn't spell the stopping system correctly. Then again, why critique the writing skills of someone wearing a fucking yellow hard hat?

Tim Burton Kicks Ass

2010-11-30T14:39:00.001-08:00

Normally something like this goes without saying. However, watching the first Batman movie (1989) done by Tim Burton again on Netflix reminded me of the fact. There are things you don't fully appreciate when you are young. One of these is many of Burton's films.

Why is Batman so great? Well, he was the first person in half a century who had the balls to actually make a dark Batman film. Adam West had all but destroyed the empire of the "Dark Knight" and Tim got it back on track. Sure the acting is horrible for the most part and the special effects are a little cheesy...but it just oozes Burton! More importantly in this case, he helped point the world closer to Frank Miller's idea of Batman than the birthday party clown we had to endure.

Obvious

Subtle

He has a very unconventional style that excite hoards of followers. Still, he has a group of people who hate him. Perhaps dislike his artistic methods is a better way to put it.

"I don't see what the big deal about Tim Burton is..."

"I swear, if I see another movie where he stars Helena Bonham Carter just because she is his wife!..."

The "big deal" is he makes interesting sell to the masses. He takes a different perspective on old classics (like the new Alice) and takes the heat for it. Sometimes your parents made you drink cough syrup because you needed it...yes, it tasted like shit. Now we realize what they were doing.

As for him putting his wife in the movies he does...GOOD! She's an amazing actress. Completely fucking brilliant. Remember her from Fight Club? She pretty much showed up Norton and Pitt.

The Burton's of the world take crap from people all the time. Their stuff is weird and maybe a bit exaggerated, like expressionistic artists. However, not seeing the change they contribute modern times is ignorant at best. Everyone wants to tackle the giant and sound like an intellectual. While the box wine Merlot drinkers are snickering at the local sports bar Burton is knocking art and film out of the park.

Maybe he is strange. Maybe his style is a bit extreme. However, he is richer than hell.

Apparently he has figured out the film industry better than the haters who work at your local grocery store.

The Ruckus of The Holidays

2010-11-27T15:14:00.000-08:00

(I know when Easter is. The Turkey is no match for Evil Santa though.)

Regardless of your religious and socioeconomic position "the Holidays" are a very busy time of the year. I'm grouping everything from about November 1st to January 10th under this bracket of chaos.

The mess starts with it getting colder and darker early in the day. This isn't a personal problem but you can tell that most people don't react well with the change. To put it bluntly they become whiny irritable assholes for the most part. After all, the hardest part of life is dealing with the people. During this period of time they become almost impossible.

It's cold, it's dark, it may/may not snow (which is a love/hate response for each person). People are mentally trying to get away on vacations to avoid the cold. Others are getting ultimatums from everyone who is still breathing on where to go and what to bring. For a group of "loved ones" they sure place the expectations on you to be anything but yourself.

Then there is the money issue. This time of year your wallet hemorrhages like a hemophiliac trying to make a tourniquet with frilly ribbon. Remember that guy you don't know but will be at that party you are forced to go to? Yea he needs a present. Sure he's an ass and you don't really know his name but in some way he is related to you. This is a country of "Gift before analyzing the family tree" so just buy something and figure it out later.

Once you are completely broke, cold, tired, and probably abused or have insulted half your living relatives...you can enjoy the feasts. It's shear gluttony during this time of year. Fill your plate, now do it again, now do it AGAIN!!! Even the food has social trickery too it. Do not pick out the onions (or whatever else you hate), make sure you try one of everything because nobody wants to see that Betty Crocker reject start crying.

Really the climax of "the Holidays" is New Years. After celebrating the plunder of the Native Americans and Shop-O-Thon 2011 (I think they are supposed to represent other things but we don't care), we gear up for Wasted Day. That's the day we celebrate the next year by watching a giant disco ball slowly drop through the sky, setting off tons of pyrotechnics, and making life altering resolutions we will break before February. Of course, the only proper way to Christen this event would be with copious amounts of booze. We drink so much in this 6 hour window that we are drunk the next day until about 5pm. Luckily New Year's Day is a federal holiday and January 2nd is pretty much a holiday too.

Seriously though, it's about more than that. It is about relaxing with family, God (for many of us), fun food, and an attempt to become better people for the next year.

It's just a shame about the rest of the petty frustrating stuff. I guess it makes sense we get drunk on New Year's Eve to forget it all.

Heads-up On A Deal: Spyderco Phoenix

2010-11-24T10:34:00.000-08:00

I'll make this short and do an official review sometime soon. I've been selling quite a few knives and picking up a few special trinkets to replace them. I think I'm being responsible with about 70% of what I'm recouping.

Anyways if you are a pocket knife fan, especially a Spyderco fan, keep this site bookmarked and check it frequently:

Knife Center (Knifecenter.com)

HERE is the link to the Spyderco "Deals" page.

Right now they have the Phoenix back up on the page for $109. This knife had a MSRP of $309.95 from Spyderco when it was offered. Everywhere else online, like eBay, it's being listed for $165-180 which is about normal retail price.

Spyderco is a great brand for interesting design and materials. They don't pull their punches and the Phoenix is a great example for people looking for a little sexy functional jewelry. It's sure more manly than a bracelet.

* VG10 Blade Steel
* Titanium Scales
* Cream Micarta Inlaid Handles
* Ball-Bearing Lock
* Howard Viele collaboration made in Japan

It won't be $109 for very long. If you can grab one rest assured that in 6 months getting your money back (or making a little) should be very simple unless you beat it up.

I'm working towards putting together a classy little package. Watch, pen, knife, flashlight, etc. It sure beats buying some metro loafers at Aldo.

For those looking for the other places to snag deals on Spyderco knives shoot Todd or myself a message. Some of the prices we have jumped on have been insane.

Bacheloring It Up!

2010-11-21T10:41:00.000-08:00

Just your standard 5-egg, KFC leftover chicken, cheese and gravy omelet.

My wife has been out of town since Thursday and I'm in rough shape. It's not that I don't have my own social identity, I just miss her. She will be back Monday so I'll be ok (as will the house).

She went to the CTN Animation Expo in Burbank California. It's a small event that is on it's second year if my memory serves me. Compared to larger art conferences it's very young. This makes it extremely affordable (like $110 for a few days) and includes conferences and presentations from industry greats. The theme is of course art animation, 2D and 3D, which mostly has to do with the cinematic industry but does relate to games as well. She is even staying with a friend which makes it too cheap to pass up.

Meanwhile the kitty and I have been running the roost.

It's funny because couples are far more active than one person alone (especially one married person). If I'm alone I do chores and sit on my ass quite a bit. If she is alone she spends 12 hours in Photoshop listening to techno and painting. Together we are all over the place! It's like some type of Tesla experiment where lightning bolts are bouncing all over and the chance of peaceful equilibrium is nonexistent. There are twice the people with ideas of what to do, twice the people who think one set of plans is "kinda boring" or "kinda expensive", and thus the rat maze starts.

As a bachelor for 4 days it's been quite drab. The kitty and I have been sleeping more than ever before. It's like we both have bronchitis and if nothing is on TV or going on we simply turn the electric heater up and climb back into bed.

"Hmmm...had lunch. Maybe something will be going on at 3pm. *snores* "

I guess this isn't a bad thing. I have Netflix so boring has a reasonable cap on it. It is certainly cheap on the budget. Lunch means two items off a dollar menu or a frozen meal from the freezer. Again, I'm the minimalist in the relationship. I love her even though she's the "meal deal" type. Haha! I usually take her out to nice dinners and cook for her too. The drive to do so for myself just isn't there.

Seriously, I'm not saying I spend the majority of my weekend hibernating in a mess of facial hair and blankets. I'm not saying I've had more gin and watched more Office episodes in 3 days than 3 months before.

Seriously...stop looking at me like that.

"When I Was A Kid": Tribute To Harry Potter

2010-11-19T10:27:00.000-08:00

Honestly I can't follow Harry Potter for a number of reasons.

These range from general annoyances to technical cinematic problems and even moral obligation (not supporting things that suck, etc). I know what the loyalists would say: "Well...you have to read the book to...blah blah blah." Listen, if I can't "get into the world" in a bloated 2 hour film about a bunch of annoying British brats waving wands I sure as Hell can't dig through a book about it. Also, once a film comes out it doesn't matter how good the book is because people naturally assume you are talking about the movie. Sad but true.

In honor of the latest Potter flick I'm paying homage to Willow, a great fantasy adventure film from 1988. The best part: No fucking brooms.

Despite Kilmer looking like Tinker Bell this was the most manly role he has ever played.

The Good Guy: Willow

Willow is good in every possible way. He's also like 3 feet tall and has a perm. See...in the 80's if you wanted a short person for a film, a magical dwarf or gnome, you just got a little person. Trick photography and computer graphics aside Frodo can't compare to Willow's adorability. The kid from Harry Potter (I think his name was Harry) looks like Frodo with glasses. Yawn.

Besides being adorable he is also magic in the rustic thatch roof kind of way. No witch/warlock education system, broom racing, or stupid ass wand shops. He got some magic acorns that were blessed with the ability to turn stuff into stone too. Meanwhile while Willow is roughing it in the dark ages you have Harry Potter where everything is graced in magic dust particle effects. Would you rather root for a little village underdog or a private school punk?

Oh and Willow has to protect a baby the entire movie. No stress!

The Muscle: Madmartigan (Goodish)

The first time we see Val Kilmer he's in a large dirty cage. It foreshadows the rest of his acting career.

Jokes aside Madmartigan in this flick if pure badass. Kilmer has traces of Han Solo running through his acting blood. He begs Willow to let him out of the cage so he can help.

This was VERY difficult for the viewer and ties into the "Choose Your Own Adventure" mindset: Madmartigan might be willing to help...he might be looking to kill Willow. The prefix of his name is "Mad" and he's locked in a damn cage! He's also normal height, fairly athletic and apparently the best swordsman who has ever lived. Will he help a little dude with an almost unrealistic task or just run him through? I remember freaking out over the decision!

Turns out besides being a bit selfish and vain (aka Han Solo) he wasn't nearly the douchebag we once thought. He even looks slightly manly with braided hair and shiny armor later on which is a feat in and of itself.

Rogue - Beserker - prettyboy

He beats Ron HANDS DOWN!

The Bad Guy/Girl: Queen Bavmorda

Don't be fooled by the get-up, she looks like a nun with headgear but this lady is pure evil-bitch.

What more than being evil incarnate, she is super powerful. So you have a little dwarf with trace amounts of magic going up against a full-size powerful sorceress? Once again, odds are against the guy.

In Harry Potter (at least the first flick) you have Alan Rickman, perhaps one of the best villains of all time, dressed in a robe with long hair. What the fuck? They made Hans Grubber and the Sheriff of Nottingham into a tool? That's a feat alright. Normally to suck something up that bad you need to have M. Night Shyamalan directing or writing it.

Please...just say you will cut his heart out with a spoon!

The Muscle: General Kael (Super Damn Evil)

This is what happens when you meld Skelator from He-Man with Insane Christopher Walken/Headless Horseman from Sleepy Hollow.

Basically he's the antithesis of Madmartigan but way more skilled. He is psychotic, armored, geared up, and rides a doom-steed. This is the kind of evil general you know would just randomly kick someone's horse in the head for fun. He also has some mad sword skillz and is dedicated to a goal rather than simply himself.

Once again, similar to the Willow/Queen Bavmorda contrast he's 1-upping Kilmer. This adds to the tension which is obviously something Hollywood doesn't give a rats ass about anymore. You want to root for the underdog and there is a thought in your mind Kilmer might have a chance against this guy, just not a good one.

Comic Relief: The Brownies

These guys have names but I don't care to look them up. Basically they are the Laurel and Hardy of the film.

For you folks who aren't dorks, a Brownie is a little woodland type person who sometimes has magic abilities but is always a trickster of sorts. They are always found in the woods and normally wear scraps of all sorts of stuff similar to a Walmart shopper.

If my memory serves me these guys were constantly getting wasted, poking shit with tiny sharp objects, and causing trouble. They also look like redneck truckers. Bonus points awarded.

Summary

It helps me favor Willow in almost every way due to nostalgia and the fact that I really hate the Potter book/movies. It's not that they aren't a valid product in the eyes of a huge demographic, they just aren't nearly as impressive as their credentials should allow. Basically it's a daydream fantasy for kids to fly and perform magic which seems like watered-down Tolkien.

Really the thing that bothers me is that it's not really the best content for young kids. For older people (who can read/think) it's patronizing material. Take out the leg-humping and it's not anything greater than Twilight.

If Val Kilmer and a dwarf from the 80's can compete with Harry Potter then the entertainment world as we know it is screwed.

Nostalgia: Not All It's Cracked Up To Be

2010-11-13T09:09:00.000-08:00

We all quest for nostalgia at one point in our lives. Looking back at our childhood we remember certain things in an enlightened way.

In retrospect some of these things were MUCH better than what we have today. Look at the music industry for example. Most of us saw the passing of Elvis, Ray Charles, Freddie Mercury, and some of other greats. Luckily we have Miley Cyrus, Justin Beiber, and a slew of other no talent assclowns who are shamelessly riding a fad to it's demise. These people couldn't find pitch if they were stuck in Redwood National Forest.

Other historical moments don't shine quite as bright as we remember. They made us who we are today so obviously they were important at one point. Still revisiting them 10 or 20 years later and we are left with a strange awkward taste in our mouth. Like when you help inflate dozens of balloons for a party and forget to wash your hands prior to eating appetizers. "Hmm...these shrimp taste like rubber..."

I would say the standard nostalgia breakup is as follows (I'd do a killer pie graph but that is wayyyy above my skill):

* 80 percent disappointment
* 5 percent global disaster disappointment
* 5 percent surprisingly impressed
* 10 percent retro/current stuff you never gave up and knew was better

Basically besides that Beetles album that is a permanent part of your iTunes play list, the rest of it is almost guaranteed to disappoint or shock you. There is a 5 percent chance of being amazed (in a good way) but don't cancel your current plans to chase after that "golden goose".

Just to save you the Google time...

* Don't look up your Ex on Facebook because she's still fucking insane.
* Astronaut Ice Cream still tastes like chalk.
* Everquest's graphics are still shittastic (as is the game).
* Saved By The Bell is NOT funny.
* Denim Cut-off shorts will never be a trend for straight men again.

It wasn't as great as you remember. You brain lies to you. If you go searching don't forget your wooden stake and garlic.

Aeropress Coffee Maker

2010-11-08T19:06:00.000-08:00

About half a decade ago a pretty sharp inventor decided to make a coffee maker. His previous success story was the Aerobie Flying Ring...basically a Frisbee with UFO capabilities of busting Guinness World Record balls.

Say Whuuuut?

To cut a boring store short (plus im too lazy to look up the details) he started working on an awesome coffee machine. Taking the principals of the French Press one step further Alan Adler invented the Aerobie AeroPress.

Yep...it's about as goofy looking as the ring.

Basically what you are looking at is a very simple pneumatic device with elements of the syringe implemented. There aren't very many parts but these days I appreciate simplicity regarding lack of moving parts. It just means less crap to go wrong.

The kit has the following pieces:

* Plunger base
* Plunger piston
* Plastic grate
* Coffee Scoop
* Stir thingy
* Funnel rest
* Specific paper filters

The principle of the French Press is quite similar (and equally simple). You pour ground coffee in a glass cylinder, add hot water, stir it around, and press the mixture with a mesh grate separating it all. Bingo baby, pour out the smooth goodness!

People who use French Presses will admit to a few problems. First of all you normally have to make quite a bit of coffee as the average cylinder is large. Second the grate itself is pretty primitive and the tolerances aren't anything to write home about. Third and the rest (this numbering system is crap) it's messy and hard to clean up especially since half of it is glass.

The principle of the Aeropress is as follows. A round filter placed in the grate and screwed onto the piston base, ground coffee in the piston base (much less and not as ground specific), hot water, stir, and press into your cup. The difference is that you press the coffee out instead of just isolating the waste grounds.

The Aeropress improves on the French Press in one HUGE way: Tolerances. Like a syringe there is an air-tight seal due to the rubber plunger end. That means more pressure combined with the paper filter means more friction...resulting in faster cleaner coffee. The "faster" means less bitter, the "cleaner" means no grains in the cup and less frustration afterward. Screw off the base (and filter) and the pod ejects like a high-end espresso machine into your trash can. A quick rinse and you're ready for another cup or storage.

You probably think it looks goofy and are very correct. However it's built like NASA designed it for their astronaut program. Extremely thick plastic that you can hand-wash or throw in the dishwasher without fear. It's closer to a hockey rink in construction than a snobby coffee maker. You can even microwave the coffee in the piston without fear.

What it does is make the best damn coffee I have ever tasted; you can even vary the strength and amount of coffee between the scoop and the water notches on the side of the piston. Do you want intense espresso'esque sludge or a traditional cup? Look up some reviews, it has a cult-following to the likes of a Bruce Campbell horror flick. There are machines that make better coffee but they include the Clover machine (which costs about as much as a Ford Focus) and an industrial espresso machine (costing about as much as a Nissan 370Z).

How much does the Aeoropress cost? $34.

The filters are reusable but the unit comes with 350 so you won't have to worry about it. Another pack of 350 costs about $4 so the cost per cup is quite affordable.

My lengthy review aside I give this thing 5 stars out a possible 5 with no credentials besides being a coffee freak and part-time Barista. You can find videos online showing the actual operation.

I have been using this for about 6 months now and can't go back. It's too quick, easy, and the coffee is super sexy. I have been grinding Starbucks Verona beans on a #4 on their industrial machines which gives enough time for a quick stir and enough pressure for you to produce a crema foam in your coffee mug.

Just thinking of it makes me want a cup. Dammit.

"Money Can't buy happiness"

2010-11-08T07:49:00.000-08:00

As a reminder this is a 2010 Chevrolet Z06 Corvette with 505 horsepower. Sadly, it's purchase requires "money" and it's right pedal produces "happiness".

I'm not rich. In fact, in the spectrum of society I fall into that middle-poor bracket of most Americans. I have good credit but that just means someone out there is stupid enough to loan me things and money...it's not exactly a value of me as a person.

The fact is that money DOESN'T buy happiness as there isn't some heavenly shop of emotions/philosophical states of mind with bar codes and price tags. The thought of that would make a hilarious comic or painting. I'm curious if Happiness or Revenge has a higher price tag.

That said, fun things cost money. There are bitter pricks out there with exotic sports cars, mansions, beautiful spouses, and successful careers. These people still drug and medicate themselves to death and their close friends (like the Olson Twin's) normally say, "He/She was a special person but always depressed."

Really? You are starring in movies and haven't cooked a meal in five years? Even if you have cooked meals it's not the same as hitting Costco for bulk food to cook/freeze so you can make the rent payment. If you are bitching about your expensive entourage you have obviously lost-track of what the average person goes through.

Still you gotta admit: Driving a new Z06 (or ZR1 !!!) would be a blast. I could sit on those deep sexy leather seats in stop-and-go traffic and still be a happy person. You could blast it sideways through an intersection and even if you got a ticket your lawyer could smack the crap out of it or you could simply write a check.

Tied to my last post about taking responsibility we love to do this. We make excuses for things via catchy canned idioms and then teach them to kids for self-assurance sake. After all, you have to reverse engineer success and then justify why it's not necessary or even admirable. God forbid anyone would want to be a "work-o-holic" (which is a phrase I haven't heard much since our economy hit ground zero). Here are some others clever justifications/generalizations for aiming low:

"The bigger they are the harder they fall"

"Close but no cigar."

"Money can't buy happiness"

Well I can guarantee you with 505 horsepower and some sticky R-Compounds most of those would disappointing quickly. With the ZR1 and 638 horsepower I would be, "having my cake and eating it too."

I'm a die-hard optimist but it's ok to have lofty goals. That way we have a reason to keep on keepin on, etc.

MJ's "Thriller" - Light Show

2010-11-01T11:12:00.001-07:00

From a person who thinks decorating for the holidays is a time/money consuming annoyance...this pretty much changes my mind.

/Devilsmiley

Dreams Are Evil

2010-10-26T09:45:00.000-07:00

The film Inception was amazing. Not only because it was exciting and well written but introspective. There was a huge amount of psychology and philosophy crammed into it. The fact that the topic was one that most of us can relate too made it even more successful.

Lets face it: Dreams ARE evil.

Sure once in a while you may dream you are in an amusement park, on tour with a rock band, kicking bad-guy ass, or a multitude of other topics that bring a smile to your face.

Most of the time the dream is just a slightly confusing twist on our real world. Like a very attractive drag queen that when you realize the truth it makes you want to pour bleach in your eyes. Like the film showed, some things that don't really make sense in real life work in a dream. For some reason you are running through a building being chased by a rubber chicken and by God it's the most realistic rubber chicken you could imagine! Later you wake up and think, "How stupid am I?" It isn't surprising that when the lies are subtle it can totally screw you over for the good part of the day.

Here's a real example: You wake up on a Saturday and normally you would be rested and happy but in this case you realize your behind schedule. After all, you need to get those Springsteen albums signed asap! It's not till you have coffee and start thinking about why you are so frantic that you realize you subconscious imagination has just Punk'D your ass.

"WTF Rick!?! Why you gotta be like that?"

This subtle mind-fucking comes in various disgusting flavors (like Snow Cone syrup) that all have the same results. You wake up and a distant relative has died, a friend has lied to you, you realized you made a total ass out of yourself, or anything that is COMPLETELY believable. Your mind knows how boring you are when awake so it matches the boredom with the dream...what a trixy brainses it is to Bleegal (LoTR dorks might catch that).

Some people believe in the potential of the human brain. They believe we can tap into it for levels of cognition akin to Professor X from the X-Men. Based on the games it's played with me (for no apparent reason) I'm assuming my chance of creating "mind bullets" is directly in-line with actually being chased by a 6 foot rubber chicken. In fact, with the advancement of robotics and the lack of advancement with my ability to levitate shit...I'm banking on the chicken.

I have various real reasons to wake up feeling like ass on a Saturday morning. A missed opportunity with a non-existent company or a delusional vendetta against an inanimate object?

I'll pass.

Paula Abdul Music Made Cool

2010-10-16T16:27:00.000-07:00

There have only been a handful of times in history where Paula's music was decent. Even fewer that the songs ended up kinda cool. THIS is one of those moments.

Basically on the Adam Carolla podcast they had John Popper as a guest and they were ragging on Paula Abdul and some American Idol fan who auditioned as a total stalker level creep. They played "Opposites Attract" and handed him a random harmonica (which apparently are in different pitches) and he started jamming along making the song...good.

Get the fuck out...how could someone save this song?

Well for those people who hate pop, hate Blues Traveler, or simply hate fat people (shame on you for this) I can understand how John Popper might not float your boat. After all, he looks a bit like a strange Indiana Jones but with a ton of Harmonicas and a warbly weird voice. Granted, he went from a rotund John Candy version of Indiana to an odd-looking squat version (he got thin to make you haters blush). Still, he is a weird dude with a strange folksy sound.

Personally I like the music. I like his voice. I think he writes pretty interesting music and his harmonica skills are off the charts. In fact, he is considered internationally as a virtuoso which I believe is Italian for "badass". He's even invented a microphone device that allows him to change the octave of the instrument like the pedals on a piano.

Ya gotta admit, that shit is pretty crazy compared to the rednecks wailing away on spoons and harps.

The Bacon Paradox

2010-10-13T09:32:00.000-07:00

In case of fire: Smother flame with face

One of my favorite things to have in the morning is a few slices of bacon. This is a rare enough occasion that it's a treat rather than a lifestyle. Few things can accent a boring pile of eggs and potatoes like a few slices of this greasy heaven. However, it's hardly a friendly preparation experience regardless of 21st century technology.

Cons

* Very unhealthy
* Expensive per pound (cooked weight)
* Makes your house smell for about 6 hours per slice
* Dangerous to prepare
* Messy as Hell

Pros

* It's bacon

Really going down the list the cons can't hold a candle to the pros.

The fact is that bacon is more of an incendiary than a food. It's a thin slice of pork that is about 90% lard and proper cooking involves it slow-frying in it's own sin. Here is another accelerant enhanced material:

The main problem is that when you normally crave it you are still waking up. This means you are likely half-clothed and not quite awake. Your sense of balance and hand-eye-coordination are at an all-time low. What better to cook than something involving high heat, ounces of spattering grease, and a slim chance your fire extinguisher will be able to save your counter top if things go awry.

Best case scenario you cook an entire package of bacon and save it for later assuming you have a modicum of self-control. That is usually 6-12 strips which are fried in batches of about four slices. That means the first batch is clean, easy and happy while the pan looks tidy. By the time you are done putting the third batch into a scalding hot grease puddle of death it's turned into a Baconocalypse! The remnants of burnt piggy is etched on the pan (which is giving off heat like a WWI space heater) and rebellious molecules of home-brew bio diesel are hopping out of the pan trying to torch your extremities. Placing cold bacon into a hot impromptu deep fryer is done at distance as the howls of the pig spirits echo in your living room. Putting the hot pan into the sink requires the nerve endings of a Shaolin monk and turning on the water requires the ignorant bravado of the Jersey Shore's cast. This morning I remembered to drain the grease and let it sit a few minutes prior to this christening of danger and childish screaming.

The resulting half ounce of incinerated strips are a sad sight to behold. Still, the charcoal crunch of the salty snack makes it all worthwhile. Sure everything in a 5 foot parameter looks like it spent Friday night with the Ghostbusters and your robe will smell like bacon for a week...but what good in life doesn't have an occasional compromise?

One day I shall become a Baconsmith and temper a sword of pure salty carnage. Beware ye Vegetarians, thou carrots shall be banished back to the soil with squeals of suffering.

Link Added: Garfield Minus Garfield

2010-10-08T10:44:00.000-07:00

I have a growing list of time wasting links in the top right corner of this blog. The newest addition is Garfield Minus Garfield.

"Garfield Minus Garfield is a site dedicated to removing Garfield from the Garfield comic strips in order to reveal the existential angst of a certain young Mr. Jon Arbuckle. It is a journey deep into the mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness and depression in a quiet American suburb."

Redbox : Epicenter For Scary

2010-10-08T08:54:00.000-07:00

A company has emerged bringing even cheaper movie rentals to people all over the United States (and other places in the world). This Blockbuster fighting kiosk of the lower class is Redbox.

My observation of this company is hardly scientific as I'm measuring it's using demographic with the hairs on the back of my neck. You know, the ones that stand on end when you think you are going to be stabbed or asked for gas money by a cardboard sign carrying patron of the on-ramp.

It doesn't seem to matter where you place a Redbox, much like Walmart, as people from the underbelly of any society crawl out and use them. I'm sure there are people in suits and ties that use these kiosks but I never see them. Rather when I'm filling my car with gas or am headed into a grocery store there is a large family (physical girth and quantity) on cell phones or sometimes discussing things at volume. Luckily most grocery stores have two entrances so I pick the one that is least likely to smell like urine or have me filling out a police report (or being listed on one).

The only thing I can figure out is that these locations do not require a permanent residence so it's easier for people who can stop in, use some method of payment, and receive a product immediately. With the downfalls of the ATM process there is unfortunately the chance of waiting for the indecisive, being talked to by strangers, and there being a problem. Obviously the payoff for this menial task is a cheap movie.

Alternatives of course would be Netflix, On-Demand, Pay-Per-View (not sure if people do this anymore) or various rental establishments. As there are services like Zune and the one owned by Amazon the concept of streaming a video into your house is not just for the Jetsons! Personally this is the best option for me as I hate dealing with random people and even more random conversation.

If Redbox figures out a way to have kiosks that integrate the sale of malt liquor, cigarettes, cigars scented with various fruits, a way to buy bail bonds and pay child support...I predict the placement of these machines will overwealm society. Every bus stop will promptly be renamed "RedboxStop" and I will most certainly line my car windows with plexi-glass hockey windows and it will have a grill mounted flamethrower.

Yes I'm exaggerating. It's part of my daily ritual when waking up.

Crackhead Chasing Laser Like Cat

2010-10-07T12:23:00.001-07:00

I'm working on a real blog post. This might keep you entertained in the meanwhile!

"Honesty is the best policy"

2010-10-07T10:27:00.000-07:00

...and the best way to survive a plane crash is with a parachute filled with rocks.

If you can believe it, I am a VERY optimistic person. I take it to the point of almost being arrogant or delusional about my life. My friends are the best, my family is the best, my wife is perfect. Even mistakes I have made in the past form the person who I am today with the lessons preventing future repeats.

When we are younger our heads are filled with a cargo crate full of idioms and gross exaggerations about life. Like training wheels they attempt to guide us far away from bad decisions by giving us extreme situations of the right thing. The problem is that as you grow up life's Western movie of bad guys and good guys, black and white cowboy hats, right and wrong quickly transition into a painting palate of grays. There still is good and evil it's just there is more shading between the two extremes and context becomes extremely important. We know lies are extremely bad so obviously truth must be extremely good!

The main problem with honesty is that people are fragile and the truth is absolute. If you tell someone what they did was wrong they have to do one of the following processes:

1.) Accept, apologize, move on.
2.) Process/justify, partially apologize (even if for the perception of intention), and make amends
3.) Deny, fight, hold a grudge
4.) Completely ignore and dismiss person

There are different paths but those are generally the most frequently used responses.

Ego is one of the problems. People grow and mature to a point where they are pretty content with who they see in the mirror. When someone says that person has been doing something wrong or is not correct, their world is shaken temporarily. Their brain is filled with emotions and likely mentally race back to childhood baggage or bullshit lies they have to work through.

It's verbal electroshock unless "honesty" is simply praise. Even then, we aren't always equipped to process extremely positive things. It's just the other end of the spectrum and obviously mankind and extremes don't always mix. If you said I was the nicest person you had ever met (just bear with me on this), I would have to go through a process of being: shocked, embarrassed, appreciative, countering with honest compliments, and then transitioning into a normal conversation with less teddy bears and candy canes.

Do you know why honesty IS the best policy? It's not simply because lies are hurtful but rather because the truth is VERY is efficient. Being frank with your opinions and facts gets to the bottom of shit quickly. If you are friends with someone you should be able to say quite a bit without tugging at their metaphoric heart strings.

What is the answer to the Honesty vs Deception paradox? The only thing I can come up with is that it runs a parallel scale next to each persons maturity level. If you haven't achieved a deep level of friendship with someone, or they happen to be immature your feelings and opinions have to be candy coated.

Essentially if someone uses their knuckles for fine manipulation rather than walking aids you should be able to tell them the truth if they ask your opinion. Sadly my world is currently overpopulated with knuckle walkers.

Not A Fan Of Motorcycles...But...

2010-09-24T14:38:00.000-07:00

I am a big fan of this. The Rokon Trailbreaker.

For you motorcycle fans this is probably something very well known. However, growing up in a family that really dislikes the very idea of a road-going bike it's not been on my radar. It's been a very slow moving Stealth Bomber...bike, uh...whatever.

I did a bit of four wheeling in school. My friends had Jeep TJ's and Toyota Pickups and I had a 1973 Ford Bronco with a very lame Rancho 3" lift and 33" wimptires. It was fun and we mostly just did trails and rocks.

Most people know wheeling to be full-speed bouncing from place to place trying to catch air and sling mud. It involves ingesting massive quantities of shitty beer out of aluminum cans and usually shooting inanimate objects with guns.

Trail/rock crawling is the sport of kings. The game is all about low-range and crawler gears. Traction tires and locking differentials combined with massive amounts of axle articulation make a cavernous path into a snobby stroll in the park. The goal is to go as slow as possible over the obstacles which also reduces break-downs. It's a game of skill and planning, not momentum and bravado.

The Rokon Trailbreaker is a slow bike. Think moped slow! They were developed in the late 60's and sized up by the US Military. The new ones may hit 35mph but that's not the name of the game. Similar to crawling mentioned above it's all about what you can cross and how long you can run; an endurance race of mankind vs nature. These bikes only put out 6 damn horsepower! Here are some perks:

* Full time 2-wheel drive
* 172cc, 4 stroke, single piston, 6 hp, 3 speed tranny.
* 2.69 gallon fuel tank (gas) and .45 gallon/hour engine efficiency
* 4.5 gallons per wheel (yes, you fill up hollow steel wheels with fuel)
* 208 pounds
* 60% grade capacity (climbing!)
* 15 inches of ground clearance (minimum)
* 24 inches of fordable water depth

Basically it's a very slow moving scout bike that climbs like a stubborn donkey. It has HUGE tractor style tires on it and can pull a trailer as well. It's the perfect survivalist motorcycle and would be great strapped to the back or bed of a Unimog.

I know I said I would never buy a motorcycle. This is different. A slow-speed rock crawling dirt bike?

Sign me up.

Back By Popular Request

2010-09-24T13:55:00.000-07:00

I obviously write more than I think. Pick a topic and get the fingers going and pretty soon there is a dissertation of frustration or nerdiness that spans a few pages.

My brother just showed me how to see what my referring URL's are. Apparently most of you folks like cuddly violent creatures. I certainly can't blame you for this!

Most of you really dig the Honey Badger which pound-per-pound is the meanest fucker to roam the planet currently (and probably tracking back a few thousand years). A close second is the baby polar bear which makes sense with all those Coca-Cola ads perturbing our sense of survival. I love the idea of a polar bear splitting a bottle of bubbly with a penguin but unless "bubbly" is an euphemism for blood and lard I doubt it's gonna happen.

Well here ya go. Enjoy :)

Best Show Ever: Pawn Stars on History Channel

2010-09-22T13:27:00.001-07:00

This will also be my shortest blog ever.

Pretty much the title speaks for itself. The first three seasons are uploaded without commercials HERE.

I Am The "Copycat"

2010-09-16T10:57:00.000-07:00

Spyderco Stretch, Spyderco Ladybug, Dereelight DBS V3 SST-50, Nitecore Extreme Q5 (Thanks Todd!)

I have two brothers and we are all 2 years apart. You can imagine the screaming, fighting, and annoyance my parents had to endure for the first decade-ish of our lives.

I'm the oldest and spent the majority of that time yelling that phrase to my Mom and Dad about Todd. In turn he would yell that phrase about Alex who is the youngest. You have to love that trickle-down effect.

We are now at the point where finding commonality is a good thing. We all like video games, funky electronics, and cars now. Two out of three work for Dad doing marine insurance while the third works for a law firm specializing in maritime law. Go figure!

This last sprint of copycatting is to my chagrin. After working with Todd for a few years now I have succumbed to a couple of his hobbies: Knives and flashlights.

I guess knives are a logical hobby for a red blooded American guy to be interested in. We tend to use tools quite a bit anyways and cutting things is in the job description. I had a couple of these as a child so why not? As the world has gotten more conservative on it's view of "weapons" it's not universally as accepted but ultimately a knife is a tool first and foremost. They never outlawed rocks because people occasionally stoned a prostitute in the Biblical days of yore. After all, I'm talking about pocket knives here. Small to medium size folding tools lacking maniacal names and camouflage sheaths.

The flashlight thing caught me completely by surprise. First of all the only real time I have used a flashlight was to borrow my Dad's Maglite during a power outage. We had plastic little shitty ones all over the house and a head-light that was dim, heavy, and made you look like the front wheel of a damn motorcycle. It seems modern LED and battery technology pretty much kicks ass. With a single lithium battery or a couple AA's you can make a couple hundred Lumens and a beam of light that will give someone a headache or light up a parking lot. More importantly when the lights go out we don't stumble around like bats wearing earplugs (get it? Sonar joke).

At the moment my knife "collection" is pretty impressive. It's pretty much all Spyderco folders and I think I have 20 something. They range from two long keychain knives to average legal folders. All of which fully capable of opening chip bags and cutting coupons better than my fingernails and teeth.

The flashlight side of things is much more relaxed. I have a couple "small" pocket lights including a really cool new one Todd got me as an early Birthday present. I have a couple "mini" lights which are small enough that they WILL go through the wash if you aren't paying attention. Lastly I have one larger pocket light which is the size of a TV remote with a couple different heads and will shoot a beam into someone's living room from about 5 blocks away. By "normal" standards I am still a freak but that term is relative.

I'm quickly learning that obscure hobbies can be more fun than the mainstream ones. They are cheaper than car parts (about 1/10th the price) and much more durable than others likes shoes and purses (Oh how I love a new purse!). The knives actually hold their value or appreciate which is very strange but if you consider the cost of steel and labor it makes sense. At the least the tools are exactly that: Tools. Which means they could very well save your life or at least make it easier. I am all for making my life easier.

The lines of individuality are still very clear but the edges have become a little more blurred. If that just means we have more things to talk about during family gatherings it's cool with me. I highly doubt anyone is going to mistake us for one another.

After all, only one of the triplets is evil...

The Psychology of the Dark Knight

2010-09-10T11:50:00.000-07:00

That's right. Batman.

I would "embed" the video but I don't know what that looks like in whatever the Hell language this is.

Check it out!

The video is in English at least!

WWND?

2010-09-08T09:38:00.001-07:00

As you can see, he's wearing his bracelet too!

Dancing pretty close to heresy I think even the religious should at least be able to poke fun at their own pop culture. You likely remember the WWJD? bracelets of the early mid 90's. It stood for "What Would Jesus Do?" They normally looked something like this:

They came shortly after the "slap bracelet" fad which was snuffed by rumors of people cutting themselves open by poor slap technique (thin metal + thin cloth cover + idiots = hemorrhaging arteries?).

Basically the concept was noble enough and seemed to work. Rather than be a Grade A douchebag as you bumblefuck through life stop for a second and think about what Jesus would do in your same situation. The bracelet was intended as a reminder (similar to the archaic string-on-finger-system), not as a talisman of juju power.

A quick look at the history books says that humanity is inherently flawed. We certainly needs something to remind them not to curse, pillage, and kill anything weaker, slower or outnumbered.

The PROBLEM is that in Maslow's Rainbow Pyramid of Awesome being a civil servant or moral person is a few pegs up from basic human survival. Frankly they are on the opposite friggin ends!

To become a moral upstanding part of society you have to survive a grueling gauntlet called adolescence, somehow figure out you don't have all the damn answers by your mid 20's, and have a shred of hope to contribute something back into the system as a mature entity. I use "survive" quite literally because besides this mental barrage of insecurities there are things out there looking to stop our heart beat. Crappy parents not paying attention as we cross streets with them, riding in strollers, driving cars, sports, and seeking out entertainment in a vibrant city's "night life".

WWND?

What...would...Ninja...Do...?

I considered going with "a Ninja" but that seems weak and adds a letter. Also, if you ever do encounter a 600 year old quasi-mythical magic assassin you better be capitalizing and addressing him as "Ninja". Chances are you won't be meeting another nor want to screw around with "Mr. Ninja" or "Ninja Sir".

Let's assume they were exactly how we concocted them to be in our books, graphic novels, movies, and video games. Stereotyped to a fault they would the following:

* Wearing all black pajamas with cool two-toe boots
* Geared up with all sorts of Batman trickery
* Experts at combat and parkour acrobatics
* Magic (depending on story)
* Superhuman strength, reflexes and control of his/her own body
* Follows protocol like a computer/never hesitates
* Alert of surroundings like a Jedi smoking Paoti.

The last three are the important ones. If you are really going to adhere to the WWND? philosophy you should always be completely aware of your situations expecting a surprise attack at any given point. You should always be limbered up and ready to run, climb, fight, or evaporate something. You should never hesitate if your brain has made the decision.

Fear is understandable but if the decision is the right one to make and there is not eminent death as a potential result...DO IT! In many situations hesitating will potentially do more damage than acting. Business opportunities will pass. Hot members of the opposite (or whatever) gender will pass you by. Trust your instincts and brain, Carpe deNinja.

The second part of acting on your instincts or basic decision processes is to act quickly (remember, WWND?). Be quick and accurate because once you commit to a decision you should NEVER pull your proverbial (or literal) punch!

Here are only some situations where WWND? works in daily life:

Making coffee at Starbucks:
"How many pumps of syrup did I put in that drink?"
*WWND?*
Ninja lid and hand out!

Driving to work:
"Hmm...that guy is merging and doesn't see me..."
*WWND?*
Downshift to 3rd gear and drop that clutch! Blindspot check, ninja swerve and swerve back! (middle finger if you are Dark Ninja)

Crossing the street:
Look both ways and squint eyes to block out harmful UV Rays. Use Chi power to mentally stop time and hear crickets churping in a John Woo film kind of way.
Cross street with flock of doves behind you!

Person sends you email:
Access situation. Promptly send response based on facts. If problem/inquiry cannot be answered immediately, send email explaining follow-up will be in route shortly.
Slam send button with the fury of the ages!

The point behind the joke is that paying attention, not hesitating, and committing to your actions is usually the way to go. If time allows, consider your options and don't look like a raving asshole.

When time is of the essence and there is no option for peace, a flurry of metaphoric throwing stars will save you and the damsel from danger.

Homework Question:

How can WWND? help you in your own situation? Discuss with your friends!

Yes Michael Dudikoff is the American Ninja.
Using WWND? he would have NEVER climbed on this dude's shoulders.

My Lyrical Life

2010-09-07T11:11:00.000-07:00

I was driving to work today and attempting to dodge radio commercials (as well as slow drivers). Then this popped in through my speakers.

Notorious B.I.G. : "Juicy"

Besides the profane lyrics I couldn't believe the similarities.

I grew up reading "Word Up" magazine hanging pictures on my wall too. That was way back when I had the red and black lumberjack (with the hat to match).

While I never ate sardines for dinner I did have them once on a pizza by accident and it was horrible! The "Moet and Alize" kept Notorious "pissy" and while I don't enjoy fruity liquors I can fully appreciate what happens after a few beers.

Honies played him close like buttered toast which is really sweet because my wife is my best friend and we spend a ton of time together.

He even mentioned wanting to play Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis which was part of my adolescence. Granted, the Genesis and Super NES were half a decade apart (at least) they were still fun as Hell. I could imagine not having video games would have pushed me into trouble too.

In all seriousness I have listened to the song about a dozen times since high school and think Biggie was great. If you listen to the words it does seem a bit comical. No disrespect to the guy though, it's really sad he died at such an early age.

Still, mixing in sardines and lumberjack made me morbidly curious enough to Google the song later. I'm sure there are people out there who can relate to the this rags-to-riches story.

Just not very many.

A Surreal World: Only 1 Mile From My House

2010-09-05T09:45:00.000-07:00

*** This post Is VERY odd. Nothing is obscene but if you get nightmares from Terminator films you might just pass on it ***

We live in the small ferry city of Mukilteo. It has about 20,000 residents which is about the size of a mediocre turnout for a Monster Truck event at the Tacoma Dome. CNN Money ranked it in 2009 the 10th best "small town" in the states. Basically it's full of granola chomping rich folks. That's why there is one sore thumb that feels out of place.

Driving out of town towards the highway if you look off to the right you will see the remnants of this eyesore. Next to the former VW wrecking yard, which is currently a strange shut-in house with "monitored surveillance" signs everywhere is even a scarier place. The structure seems to be an old auto repair facility. It's falling apart and you can see graffiti from the street.

My wife is an artist who wants to do environment work for video games. As you can imagine this doesn't always mean painting and modeling cute gazebos and coffee shops. Many people who play video games run through dilapidated shacks and post-apocalyptic alleys so tagged property and destruction is the norm. In fact destruction is part of life so the very idea of a "pristine" environment is novice and boring at best. Look around at your living room right now...if you are not OCD chances are shit is everywhere or was recently. Something else which we talked about is that the mind knows certain things to be in certain places. As a result if these things are damaged, missing, or just out of place it sends chills up your spine. A light fixture with a damaged cover is fine by our mind...one that has been knocked off the ceiling and is free-hanging in the middle of the room is demented.

As you tell this place ended up being more than simply a "strange place". I received advice from a regular customer at Starbucks who is a Mukilteo Police Officer. She said that it would be fine to take pictures but not to climb over or touch things; she instructed us not to do anything foolish like staking claim to territory and if provoked to explain she is an art student and to leave.

The back of the building was cool and strange. I don't have any pics to upload but my wife took a few hundred of the entire place. Basically the windows were boarded up and padlocked as were the doors and the fence. Weeds and blackberry bushes were overgrown and rust was covering every inch of steel. The fence itself was held together with linked chain (like Mr. T style) between the wire diamonds and wrapped around the frame. There were garage bays with rusting doors and what looked like a loading dock. On a weird scale it was at best a 3 out of 10 and more what we expected.

The front is what we are trying to get out of our minds. Sometimes tragedy is beautiful and captivating. Nervousness often follows excitement and wonder. This was no exception.

Walking on boards of the downed fence you climb into what I described and assumed as an auto repair shop. There was a huge pile of cement rubble to the far left with twisted re-bar sticking out of it. The main room which we took the most pictures in looked like the dispach office with mailboxes in one side and a few bays in the rooms nearby. This had fixtures hanging from all over, strange graffiti, and shop tables/cabinets that looked like they sustained nuclear fall-out. The door from one shop room to the next had been spray-painted to look like a strange face with a tongue bleeding. Quite frankly the most disturbing art I have seen in a long time and likely the result of hallucinogenics as my wife (who isn't always a fluffy artist) said she has never even approached that end of the dark spectrum.

The next room over had higher ceilings and heavy shelves. If I had to guess I would say these are shelves for a parts department or at least old cores. I worked at an auto-shop once where we stored heavy objects like wheels, transmissions, differentials, engine blocks, and what-not. This area also had the remnants of a sleeping den with a soiled blanket and a relatively fresh loaf of garlic bread from Albertson's. There were also drug needles and surgical tubing nearby. It was at this point we decided to keep a GOOD distance on the structure in general.

Panning to the right of this room was a building as tall but fully enclosed. Windows were barred and the doors were only partially open. We kept a good 100 feet from it at the very least. We didn't hear any noise from inside the building but who knows? Normally on a sunny day, at noon, I wouldn't think people would be hiding in a structure like this because the homeless would be begging and the kids would be coming back at night to do more tagging/drugs if that was the intent. Still, I didn't trust my theoretical psychological profiling as far as I could throw it.

Once again panning the right were smaller bays and garages. We stayed at least 300 feet from the building and took a few establishing shots. We took quite a few shots of old shelves, containers, barrels, and weathered objects in the main field. Textural decay like this is an environment artists dream. Many of those barrels looked like they came straight from a zombie-shooter game.

We were there for about 30 minutes and it felt like 6 hours. Every click of my wife's Cannon SLR sounded like a rifle and seemed to take an eternity. Time slows down when you have a slow-drip of adrenalin occurring. I was wearing my standard brown winter coat (which I wear most the year) and the sun was beating down on me. By the end I was sweating which is due to this along with the constant stress of staying aware and listening for rustling.

I had my left hand in the left pocket holding a 2 ounce can of Fox Pepper spray 5.3 SHU (stands for 5.3 million Scolville Heat Units; aka - Fucking hot). In my right pocket I had a good grip on my pocket knife. I'm more glad than anyone neither came out of the corresponding pocket.

Yea it was a sweaty strange and unique experience. I would never do it again, nor would ever recommend someone check it out. I told my wife if we ever decided to go to a place we knew to be that perturbing we would be bringing a grade-A badass with a holstered gun and he would be making a nice chunk of change. This kind of guy would likely buy ammo, Whisky, and BBQ with the proceeds of the event. We would expect and hope for nothing less.

The funny thing in retrospect is that we knew this little excursion would NOT be understood by normal people. Hell, we didn't think they would understand when we thought it was a PG-13 ghost shack let alone a NC-17 drug/bum den.

The shock came when she showed her artist friends, at a school that creates video game nerds...and they were speechless! They just stared at the pictures and asked why she would go. They understood it was a valuable experience for an environmental study but some shots (like that door) fucked with their sense of well-being. Obviously my sweet little wife earned a Brownie badge for, "Hardcore Badass" amongst them.

If a picture speaks a thousand words actually being there cannot be charted. I'm glad we had the experience for my wife's art. Those events help people climb pegs to different levels in their work. I am VERY glad the dice we tossed didn't come up with weirder results or any antagonists in this low-budget horror flick. Some of her teachers have suited up in full Hazmat gear with respirators and guides for more extreme situations, and those people are some of the best artists in the world. In fact, they are working on Guild Wars 2.

As a reminder to you and myself. We aren't doing this again.

Without taking risks people seldom see the same level of reward. Sitting here unscathed except for minor mental scratches it was definitely...an experience.

The Heart...Metaphoric Moron?

2010-08-30T10:16:00.001-07:00

You know why the English language is so difficult to learn? It's completely full of shit.

Every word has a dozen similar words that are used in slightly different instances. In fact we have so many redundant words the Dictionary has a less popular sibling. Once you get past the fact we have all these tools designed to make fluent speakers feel fancy (and less native tongues look foolish) we get into the vernacular tongue and specific jargon for certain industries or demographics. Lastly we have figurative speech chocked full of metaphors, similes and idioms just to completely fuck over anyone that dare attempt to learn English as a second language. If I'm still struggling with it, how the heck are they expected to learn it?

On the topic of stupid metaphors and fuzzy science one that frequently pops up is the heart.

From my jaded read of Wikipedia it seems at one point the heart was originally thought as where the soul resides and where emotion, thought and reason was created. I guess it makes sense if you think about it from a primitive mindset. When you get scared or excited it pumps faster; when you relax it beats slower. If it stops you die. When you get anxious you can get chest pain (which is often acid reflux). Without laughing at philosophic greats from my "informed" 21st century smarmy position, I can see how this would occur. That said, one would wonder why a great Greek mind of the time would reject the brain completely being the only organ surrounded in a natural bone helmet.

Fast forward a few years to today. We still have artistic and emotional souls referencing the heart in daily works. Maybe because we have known it to look like this:

Instead of this:

Many of the same reasons that fooled the Greeks have us thinking the same thing about why the heart is where loves comes from. Why that one Care Bear had it on his chest. Why the little Indian kid from Captain Planet got hosed out of a destructo-element ring and got "Heart" (which apparently was the "most special" if you buy that crap), and why Cupid attempts to impale people with heart arrowheads once a year.

It's not that we cognitively think that this is where emotion comes from but rather that we constantly refer to it that makes us sound a bit stupid. We assign other emotions to various body parts; some of which are a bit too racy for this blog. Instead of assuming the brain sends all the signals, makes all the decisions, and is constantly deceiving us...we place authority on a gigantic muscle beating involuntary. Something uncontrolled except with electronic pulses (brain) and hydraulic changes in the body.

Follow my logic with this one. We use the heart as a symbol for something it doesn't do. Constantly refer to it in a romantic public sense in this way. Meanwhile the young (and some stupid people) don't get the disclaimer till much later on...somewhat like the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. This is called the "Illusion of Truth" aka Implicit Memory and means that we are more willing to accept a familiar idea than an unfamiliar one. Not exactly a concept worth screwing with. At 30 years old if I don't make a conscious effort I could shoot the false answer as a quick response.

Really what is the heart as an organ?

Well as mentioned it's a fully automated blood pump that gives power to everything else in the body. It beats slower when you relax and faster when you are exerting yourself. It can sustain enormous levels of abuse and injury without failing. I don't know of many pumps that can take bullets and continue to do their job but it can. It can also continue to work for over 100 years in optimal situations.

It's basically a giant angry engine of destruction shrugging off damage and pumping faster to get into full-rage ass-kick-mode.

I think we should replace the traditional red cutsie heart symbol with this:

Walmart: Never Cross An Underdog

2010-08-27T12:20:00.001-07:00

You're goin down Wal-Mart.

Well according to CNN (and everyone else in the world), our most famous epicenter for "white trash" is officially cashing in on all the bad karma they have stored up. As we know, that shit burns like magnesium wrapped in balsa wood pallets.

Once famous for having the cheapest poorly-made outsourced crap in the world, they now hold the title for "Largest Class Action Lawsuit Ever" *applause*. Seemingly starting back as far as 1998 and originally only six people, they are facing wage discrimination based on gender. I wonder if Wal-Mart and Boeing spend time golfing together?

It's not that Wal-Mart (or any large company) is a stranger to getting their asses sued by angry poor workers, but this is coined as "historic" in size which is the main argument against the suit by their legal team. That makes sense really if you think about it. After all, if you break something that is very expensive you shouldn't be as liable because of how much it costs! In the case of Wal-Mart they can think of it as collecting interest for over a decade for being fucking pricks...and then paying it back exponentially. Think about it like the reverse of Social Security, bitches.

Anyways, pulling away from my cretin vernacular (aka: my Wal-Mart mouth), I digress. The point is this number (6) has grown to close to a million which Wal-Mart argues is over TWICE the actual amount. My math and legal knowledge are not the most impressive but I figure that is still almost half a million people they have bent over backwards. They have also admitted to being guilty of at least that many people! Apparently they should just learn how to settle problems before they become catastrophic global fucking disasters.

Here are a couple business lessons if any CEO's from Wal-Mart are reading my blog:

1. Don't mess with the underdog!

If modern American cinema has taught us anything it's that the underdog will always kick your ass. Whether it takes 90 minutes or half a week during the last LoTR flick...penance will be paid! They take a good ass beating, work for next to nothing, and usually don't pipe up but just you wait. Payback is always painful.

Really the factor is time. In this case it was years. It's going to shatter the world though.

2. Especially when it's women or a discriminated minority!

I occasionally bring up race and gender on this blog. Not as a proud arrogant white man but as one hiding behind the barricade of history.

It's very true: We aren't the only ones who have oppressed other people and genders. The problem is we did a TON of it and also happen to be a large number of the wealthy/educated people in the world. That my friends is a frightening cocktail of bleach and ammonia!

For this reason you can just imagine when a gigantic wealthy powerful company, especially with the scruples of Wal-Mart, oppresses a gender or race it's hit with the Hammer of Odin square between the fucking eyes. Even the rest of the white people want to light them up in a Viking Funeral because we are fighting a stereotype of douchiness (word T.M.'ed by Todd) on a daily basis. I think there is a special place reserved in Hell for people like this and Bernie Madoff. Likely it's the same place where pedophiles and wife abusers will be sent.

Just because you CAN get away with something doesn't mean you SHOULD. Sal Glesser, owner of Spyderco a company I support constantly with my geeky pocket knife hobby says, "Integrity is doing the right thing when nobody is looking." Just because many women will take lower wages and won't ask for raises as often doesn't mean they deserve to be abused. A more gentile nature due to a lack of chemical war fuel (testosterone) is not a reason to become a target. I understand people who actually ask for raises should get them more than people who don't (it's called "chutzpah" people). That said, if the disparity grows to the point of being a legal disaster in the works bravado has been quickly replaced by discrimination. Another reason why huge companies with shareholders and assets should keep some type of chart for pay that reflects seniority or routine review processes...that way the system is remotely fair. I have a snowball's chance in Hades of outrunning someone else much at Starbucks in hourly pay.

As I mentioned before, the fairer gender or minorities in the case of legal matters are almost always the underdog regarding white-collar wrongdoings. What may be a gray matter is only as such until the media gets involved. Then I hope SPF 150 is applied well because sunburn is a metaphoric understatement.

Oh, and when a multi-billion dollar corporation cheats a young sweet black single-mother of three children they better be wearing full plate armor. This type of underdog is coming at full velocity dual-wielding swords and riding a flaming steed.

3. Learn to settle quick, fire people, write checks, kiss babies!

The best thing a big company can do if there is a shadow of a doubt they are at fault is to settle quick! If they don't have signatures, a review history, and pie-graphs showing how full of shit someone is this simply has to happen.

My Dad once said while he was doing personal injury claims (automotive) they had a rule: If your client EVER hits someone on a bike you buy them a new bike first thing. It doesn't matter who was wrong, a new bike fixes most problems and lawsuits. It may be pricey compared to say, paying nothing, but a drawn-out lawsuit is a hemophiliac learning how to make sushi rolls while drunk.

Write a check, fire someone, buy a new bike, kiss a baby, shake a hand, let them ride in the Batmobile. Do anything. Just don't sit there and think it will go away. If it doesn't...you...are...fucked.

4. Nobody cares about the oppressor when all hell breaks loose!

Once it happens nobody will root for the oppressor no matter how bad the payback is. In fact, "payback" is misleading because it's NEVER a 1-for-1 trade. That's how J-Lo can commit brutal premeditated murder to her abusive husband in that shitty feminist film and people who rented the movie (because nobody would pay box office cash for that shit) cheered, screamed, and spit angry insults as they applauded her success. At the end of that film, I speculate (because wouldn't watch it) even Nuns and Amish ladies would be squealing for bloody homicide.

My prediction is Wal-Mart will bitch and moan about how big a lawsuit this is. How it could potentially cripple their company and all the jobs it would cost Americans. Remember Circuit City, Chrysler and GM? Don't think about how many jobs it would spur when those folks start businesses or work for non-morally corrupt companies. Don't think about the long-term effect of getting rid of a shitty company for the sake of the long-term good. It's all about immediate concerns people; after all this is America.

In the end what happens if they shut down? More people will go to Costco once they hurdle the sarcastically steep $50 annual fee only to save more money on purchases. During Christmas and other holiday sales no customers or employees will be trampled to death when the doors are opened. Crime in a 50 mile perimeter around former Wal-Mart locations will drop and housing prices will raise.

This is of course coming from a non-fan to say the least. I have a Costco card and I rarely go there with my schedule but it's an awesome place. Sure it has some of the same outsourced crap but quite a few local and quality products simply at a better prices (15% profit margin vs like 27% at Wal-Mart). The company is run well, employees generally enjoy their jobs, and the CEO isn't a crook which is rare compared to some companies. Oh, and their warranty is friggin tops.

I may be more paranoid than some but last time I went to Wal-Mart there were people with low riders in the parking lot bumping their bass, strange folks that looked like they were driving home in a Toyota Dolphin, and others that simply looked homeless. The "customer services" department looked like the line at the DMV if life as we know it was tormented by radiation. Shoppers themselves were aimless, twitchy, and lumbering like something mixed between fat zombies and meth addicts. I had a knife clipped to one pocket and my hand on a bottle of Pepper Spray...and I still felt unnerved. All this while 5 miles from my house in Mukilteo, a land foreign to sweaty wife beaters (the people and the clothing article).

Wal-Mart brings the strangest people out of the proverbial wood-works. While everyone should have a place of commerce and community, the gravel pits for target shooting and off-road adventures has always worked in the past. Let's keep it that way!

Dear Wal-Mart,

It's been fun. Thanks for the memories and the hilarious parody website. We will get along fine without you. Don't worry...a Costco or Starbucks will go in where they tear down your store.

Sincerely,

The Self-Respecting Remnants of The United States

Pretty Much The Best Movie Reviewer

2010-08-25T09:54:00.000-07:00

*** Warning: This is fucking awesome. If you have stuff to do or can't spare 70 minutes please do not watch it ***

During a discussion of how much the Prequels screwed up the legacy of Star Wars my friend whimsically posted a link (1 of 7). This cut/paste drive-by linking ended up effectively nixing 70 minutes of my life!

In all honesty the review is amazing. Red Letter Media apparently is a small video company that did slide-shows and stuff like weddings to make money while B-Horror movies on the side. Sounds familiar to pretty much EVERY small film company huh?

The brainchild behind it is Mike Stoklasa and since 2007 he's accumulated almost a million views per video for the Phantom Menace mash-up alone. He also has done other pieces on the remaining Star Wars Prequels, Avatar, various Star Trek films, and some others. As a film grad he actually attacks logic behind mistakes made and outlines basic to advanced techniques. In fact, I'm planning on watching it again and taking notes when life dies down a bit. The insight is equivalent to upper level college film classes.

Of course, no internet pop-media sensation would be popular without some type of meme, avatar, alter-ego, or whatever you want to call it.

As "Plinkett" he alters his voice to sound like Buffalo Bill with drunken Dementia. Occasionally talking about how many pizza rolls he is eating or taking you down to his basement to dig around for sci-fi nostalgia where he happens to have a person tied up.

Once you get past the occasional homicidal references and stupid voice the reviews are top notch. They also happen to be downright hilarious.

I'm not a huge fan of corn syrup that looks like blood and marginal actors pretending to be locked in a basement. That said, at this point I am less of a fan of George's latest works and desperate attempts to make a cold buck at the expense of his soul.

For you sci-fi geeks check it out. He throws in some VERY astute observations and geekery you wouldn't find elsewhere.

NASCAR vs Politics

2010-08-18T09:36:00.000-07:00

It dawned on me that the two topics have much in common. Here are some ways that they are linked via Hulkamania antics:

NASCAR: Fans always ask you about the "big race' and who you like regardless of the thought you might NOT even watch it.
Politics: Fans always ask you about the "big topic' and what your stance is regardless of the thought you might NOT even care.

NASCAR: Expect heated opinions thinly disguised as objective research to why their driver is best.
Politics: Expect heated opinions thinly disguised as objective research to why their topic/candidate is best.

NASCAR: American's think it's the most exciting thing in the world and everyone cares about our sport as much as we do.
Politics: American's think it's the most exciting thing in the world and everyone cares about our elections as much as we do.

NASCAR: Fans dress up like idiots, wave flags, and sit on lawn chairs hoping to meet a racer.
Politics: Fans dress up like idiots, wave flags, and sit on lawn chairs hoping to meet a politician.

NASCAR: Every race was "the most intense" regardless of a timeless circuit of circles.
Politics: Every election was "the most intense" regardless of moronic circular logic, empty promises, and laughable rhetoric.

NASCAR: "Discussions" amongst fans involve spitting and sometimes yelling. Literacy is rare.
Politics: "Discussions" amongst fans involve spitting and usually yelling. Literacy only affects the volume of the conversation.

NASCAR: Taking a week off of work to travel to the armpit of the USA is celebrated and envied.
Politics: Taking months off to picket and bitch about what the "winner" is doing wrong is admired.

NASCAR: Fans attempt to rouse spirit by wearing fruit, beer containers, and obnoxious screen printed T-Shirts with stupid catch phrases.
Politics: Fans attempt to rouse spirit by displaying signs seemingly designed by epileptic mental patients and wear obnoxious screen printed T-Shirts with stupid catch phrases.

NASCAR: Drivers are ogled and their wives become "sex symbols" despite being old trailer park hags.
Politics: Politicians are ogled and their wives become "sex symbols" despite being old book club hags.

Summary:

I think the next president should talk about earmarks in the federal budget, Joe the Plumber, Hemi's, Rain-X, and Clorox Bleach.

Then he should climb to the top of the turnbuckle (or highest point such as the Lincoln Memorial) and rip his fucking shirt in-half for the crowd.

That would be a landslide win for the Popular Vote AND the Electoral College!

"To all my little Hulkamaniacs, say your prayers, take your vitamins and you will never go wrong." - Hulk Hogan

Political Event

NASCAR Event

NW Trek

2010-08-16T11:06:00.001-07:00

All Pictures Shamelessly stolen. The horrible writing sadly is mine.

Looking back at my list of topics I'm starting to think something cheery is needed to deflect that feeling of misanthropy.

Over the weekend I went to NW Trek. It's over in Eatonville Washington and approximately 80 miles from where I live. I was a skeptic that seeing a bunch of animals ("and shit" if you go by my exact quote) would be worth the 1.5 hour drive each way. Well it was.

You arrive at NW Trek and while it is most indeed a zoo of types it doesn't have that lingering citche aura of consumerism. No screaming children, stinky diapers, and what-not. You will find no face painting or a giant overpriced cafeteria they are passing as a restaurant with animal themed food. They do have a restaurant but it's FAR less obnoxious from all angles.

The best way to describe NW Trek is a snobby once privately owned and preserved Northwest wildlife habitat for the granola Subaru driver in you. The interesting thing is it's frigging huge (over 700 acres) and only contains species found in our native state. They have separated the predators so while some of the herbivores are just as paranoid as they would normally be...less of them get taken down by Wolves and Cougars.

When you get there they give you a token for the tram tour which started in a mere 20 minutes. This lasts 55 minutes and circles the noted herbivore area with Big Horn Sheep, Bison (various types), Mountain Goats, Deer, Moose, Elk, Caribou. I guess at certain times of the year you can see some of these animals fighting it out for herd supremacy. I doubt you can bring beer on the tram but you have to admit that would kick tons of ass! Expect to hear jokes that would make a 8 year old laugh and extract chuckles from 60 year old Howdy Doodyites. Can you blame them though? If you did half a dozen bus tours a day looking at the same animal shit you would probably tell stale jokes too. It's not like you can exactly make it racy and use dirty language. That said, they could probably get away with "bitch" just like those sassy dog breeders.

Once you get off the tram you are free to explore the chill world of the Northwest. You don't see a ton of bars, rails, or signs like "don't climb into the bobcat pit" which makes me think all the fucktards go to the Woodland Park Zoo. I have to admit it was SUPER cool seeing Cougars, Wolves and Bears (Lions and Tigers aren't in Washington). There were also Lynx', Bobcats, Foxes, Coyotes, and an assortment of smaller land creatures. These included: Wolverines, Badger, Porcupine, Skunk, Opossum, Fisher, Raccoon, Beaver and Otter.

Of all these creatures by far the most wicked was the Wolverine. The name fits the beast...this asshole is 10 toes of fury! He was pacing back and forth hissing, hitting the glass, and stinking like rotted ass. I stayed 10 feet from the Hockey-Mom/Sarah Palin approved Plexiglass because while I felt safe in theory...he was mad as Hell during a tax audit from Heaven.

Above all this they had three different types of Owl's and a Golden Eagle. I didn't see their Bald Eagle. Seeing these up close was pretty damn cool too.

If you can get past the boring drive and long stop-and-go traffic through Eatonville it's a blast. It's a bit snobbier and less hectic than a normal zoo. Namely at least the foul smells and annoying sounds are coming from the animals and not filled diaper and fanny-pack equipped hicks. At the very least you will never forget what pop-trivia animals are if the are walking through your backyard someday.

You can show me a polar bear and I'll be impressed. Show me a pissed off Wolverine that might be scrounging my local camp site someday and that is the ultimate horror movie. He would scare Jason shitless back into that haunted lake in about 2 seconds!

Wolverines: Cute Day 1. Terrors Day 2 until Death.

The 3-Step System

2010-08-12T11:42:00.001-07:00

I have what I call the 3 Step System. It must be completed each day or I lose about 1/3rd productivity per missed step. If I am very lucky, I can grumble through it and maintain productivity...but my asshole thermostat pegs in the danger zone.

1/3: Shower

Without a shower I feel horrible. My hair feels greasy and overall I just have this unclean feeling that makes me feel like a Jewish guy shopping for BBQ meat at Costco. It's not that people can notice (probably) as at the very least I use copious levels of odor neutralizers. Basically I feel like some tiny wizard is piloting an evil clay golem that bumbles along crushing thatch roofed huts as town-folk scream and run.

I shall call you Blake! This will show those who have wronged me! Guh...I gotta stop making these things out of cowshit.

2/3: Shave

Another obvious step most men have on the list is a shave. It's what separates us from our former dinosaur-punching predecessors.

I swear. The next T-Rex is gonna get knocked right in it's sassy jaw.

A worthless tidbit of Jeopardy knowledge I will share is that I use an electric razor because I'm a complete pansy. Anyone who has used these with any resemblance of ability to grow facial hair know it's akin to taking a hedger to the African Rain forest. Since I grow facial hair like a Chia-Wookie it gets me TO a 5 o'clock shadow at 8am. My calendar/clock is off but missing a shave it puts me at about 3am the following Sunday.

Basically with my thick quasi-uni brow and fuzz face I look scary. When I smile I feel homeless and look like a mild version of Zach Galifianakis. Today I'm wearing a flannel'ish shirt which looks like it would go well with a beanie, lumber axe, and blue ox.

Facial hair is a personal decision. The scruffy look seems popular as do full-on Grizzly Adams beards. I just can't get past that feeling of how much my pillow hates me when I'm sleeping on a Brillo pad.

3/3: Coffee

This is the coffee-belt where all the worlds coffee comes from (Hawaii is a spec to the right). Funny enough half a millennium ago many of these places were considered "Godless"...based on this glimpse of geography I would HIGHLY disagree!

All the primping in the world won't tide the wrath that surfaces after missing out on a cup of coffee. Like an angry volcano god...I need my fucking coffee. Curbing this with an energy drink is like throwing in a cow rather than a virgin tourist. Not throwing anything in is a sure-fire way to get the village covered with hate-goo and turned into a historic monument of fail.

I could stop drinking caffeine but then again I could stop drinking beer. The problem is society wants me to do it. Not drinking either would make me into a freak. Since I'm concerned daily about what random acquaintances and passerby's feel about my footprint in society I should keep on the path. Well, that's my justification at least.

Alternative 0/3

This is what I would call Arch-Blake or "Destroyer of Worlds".

All I can pray is that if I'm ever stuck on a deserted island it's somewhere where the water lathers well enough that I can make soap out of seaweed, there is a DC outlet to charge my shitty shaver, and it's located somewhere in the "coffee belt".

If not, you can assume there will be a cranky, stinky, grizzled looking monster roaming the jungle beating monkeys with sticks and headbutting coconuts for sport. My guess is I would look something like this:

Current Top 5 Wish List

2010-08-04T09:46:00.000-07:00

When you ask people what they dream of or wish for it's very likely they will say: Money. Specifically a winning lottery ticket that may/may-not seal their fate as an unhappy shell of their former self...but talk about a fun ride!

Winning the lottery of course would help accomplish 90% of someone's dreams. The rest being strange like building a space ship (which would cost far more than a lottery win) or simply impossible such as super powers to fight crime.

Spurred on by recent events I figured I would come up with a quick "Top 5" just for shits and giggles. These are open to change but for the time being they would definitely make me smile in a toothy Opie-style grin.

In order of cost or plausibility:

Celebrity Douchbag Ass Beating (Pick One)

The recent news of the felony charges being dropped from Charlie Sheen have me steamed. I guess when the news crew asked him what he was going to do he replied, "I'm going to Disneyland". What an arrogant fucker!

That last time I thought he was funny was about 15 years ago. I figure he deserves to have his face opened up for "Two and a Half Men" at the VERY least! After the rampant misogynistic behavior and lately threatening his wife with a knife he deserves a gang of angry tire-iron wielding midgets to pulverize his soul.

Really at this point you could fill in the blank with any of a number of woman-abusing or arrogant celebs that should be cut down to their real size (specifically, about 2 inches tall). Ones that quickly come to mind are: Spencer Pratt, Koby Bryant, Chris Brown, and so-on.

GDC with My Wife

Every year in San Fransisco is GDC or the "Game Developers Conference". We haven't had a vacation in a long time and she is planning on getting into the video game or CG movie industry at some point.

I think it would be extremely fun to be able to be with her walking from booth to booth and seeing new products. It would be fun to get out of Washington for a week and she might even pick up a job!

The Louvre with My Wife

At approximately 10 times the cost of GDC would be the Louvre. It's her dream to spend a couple weeks there studying and seeing that happen would be my dream too. If you prioritized these based in order of desire rather than price it would easily be # 1. As much fun as having a project car or seeing Sheen pummeled they pale in comparison to my wife being happy.

Plus I hear they have a Starbucks inside the Louvre. I could spend a couple weeks eating breakfast sandwiches as a reward for 3 years of servitude to Starbucks in Washington. The irony is blowing my mind just thinking about it.

Project Car

Somewhere in the $20,000-40,000 price range of expendable imaginary dollars is a project car. I'm not a big fan of cutting corners so the parts I pick are the most expensive or at the least the highest quality/performing ones available.

My dreams on this topic change depending on the weather so pinning down something now is nearly impossible. A few that are bouncing around in my brain like a rogue pingpong ball would be:

1993-1995 Lexus SC300 with Soarer/Supra swap - Track Car

1994-1995 Nissan 240sx with a built KA24 turbo or RB25DET and Kouki front end conversion - Track Car

1988-1995 Mazda Miata with V8 Swap (Chev LS1, Ford 5.0HO, ect) - Track Car

Mercedes Benz Unimog 416 - Zombie Tromping

Supercar: Nissan GTR R35

If you have $76,000 and some change why build when you can buy?

Not only does the new GTR have AWD for our crappy Northwest rain but a spacious backseat making it the most capable all-weather coupe in the world. It even has an automatic which is far better than I could ever be with a stick.

The biggest complaint they have against the car is that it's too easy to drive at speed. Predictable cornering, megajet thrust, no gears to change, and AWD masking it's 450 wheel horsepower from shenanigans.

Basically it's the Honda Accord of supercars and quite affordable for what you get. It also has brutishly intimidating looks and the chops to kick ass and take names (like Ferrari and Lamborghini).

Reality Check

Well that's about it for now. I don't know if some of these will ever happen. I hope that a few do.

More than anything I would like to spend a relaxing trip with my wife. Most of you readers would likely pick a trip with your spouse as well.

Then again, if someone drops off the keys to a GTR or wants to share some lotto winnings I won't turn them down. Seriously, I would appreciate the gesture.

Real Life Superheroes

2010-07-29T13:11:00.001-07:00

This is "Transit Man"

Looking around on my lunch break I stumbled upon this. After a few of these posts I'm sure you are starting to wonder what the Hell search words I tend to use.

Well one thing bumped into the next and I found mention on a forum about certain self-defense items and how viable they would be on a "patrol". As it wasn't a police officer type forum, I was morbidly curious what kind of patrolling would be taking place. Seems it was for the person's utility belt...say what?

Well I'm still digging into this one so excuse my ignorant first read. It seems there is a super hero movement spurred on by a popular blog post. These people dress up and uphold justice by volunteering, giving speeches, handing out aid to the homeless, etc.

Real Life Superheros.com

Real Life Superheroes.org

They even have a forum to discuss costumes and gear.

I think it's a great idea (albeit, a tad geeky). There has been a slide backwards in society so it's nice that people are standing up for basic principles like patriotism, honor, and so-on.

What is a little scary is where the borders are set-up. Some people are dressing up like the caped crusader and carrying stun guns and fixed blades.

You have to admit that it's a bit freaky knowing someone with slight inferiority complex is walking around in full "make fun of my ass" attire with a Rambo-esque Tanto blade strapped to some funny suspenders.

Social Expectation To Have Kids

2010-07-26T09:30:00.000-07:00

I'm not one of those people who "hates kids". Whenever I hear that it twinges on my soul a bit because we were all kids once. It's not like any of us grew up wiping our own asses and not puking on everything in sight. What more, I take hatred very seriously because I've felt it towards people who have slighted friends and family in the past. To whimsically use the word "hate" would be akin to joking about "opening up someones head with a lead pipe" which I would never say...because it's a smidgen sociopathic.

The side of the fence I sit on is not planning on having kids. Things could change and I wouldn't hold it against an unplanned child. I have known people who have dealt with the baggage of being raised by douchebag parents who never wanted them. Still, if I wrote a list of things to do (especially in the short-term), having a baby is on par with surviving in the Tibetan rain forest using only a Swiss Army Knife. For the record, I fucking hate camping.

The problem with the latter stance is that modern society thinks it a tad freakish. A young, normal, educated couple deciding against having children is very counter-cultural and or I would go so far as to say "perturbing" to the masses. This conversation happened last night with a coworker:

Coworker with Care Bear gumdrop smile, "So are you guys planning on having kids soon?"

Me, "Not really."

Coworker timidly pondering, "Well...are you planning on having them ever?"

Me, "Nope. I don't think so."

Coworker astonished, "Wow that's heavy. Mind me asking why?"

Me, "Well my wife has been in school for almost 10 years and a sophomore 3 times. I've been working my ass off and not spending much of the money we make on fun. Quite frankly I'm sick of being poor and ready to be selfish. I want to buy a sports car, visit Europe with my wife and shop our asses off. Basically I just want her to have the career she wants."

Coworker: *uncomfortable laughter"

See? This is the kind of crap some of us have to put up with from total strangers. People who have said only a handful of words to us prior to picking something as personal and life-altering as raising children.

For you baby-makers out there, read this line before the tub of Rocky Road comes out of the freezer and you decide my soul is a lump of coal:

"It's a choice for us all to make. Don't judge me and I won't judge you."

I'm glad some people want to have one or 10 kids. I hope they are making that decision for mature reasons and have various financial and social/relational problems worked out prior. If not, it's a horrible tourniquet for a gushing wound. Having children doesn't fix a marriage or a psychosis any better than buying a sports car or getting a boob job. It just accessorizes what you currently have be-it a mature understanding of life or a clusterfuck you pretend to be normal.

My end-game will be played out intelligently if at all possible. I want to take care of some debt, see the world, and enjoy my wife's company because she is my best friend. I want to have a real career and I want her to have hers. We both went to school and to not use the degrees for something would be a sad thing. For her to get out of school and straight into the maternity ward (intentionally) would be criminally stupid. You don't need a degree, intensive training, and thousands of dollars in electronics and programs to give birth. She could do a 3D rendering of a baby with textures and lighting in a week; I frequently make high-pitch bitching/moaning sounds. The combination of these two things is pretty damn close to having an e-baby of our own.

Other factors of course are the climbing population of the world, degradation of society, and the plethora of suffering children already trying to get through it. My wife has said she would rather save 20 lives of children who are sick than give birth to her own. A very humble and strange concept but compared to my dream of driving a modified Acura NSX it's the easy winner of the Mother Theresa Award.

I have nothing against kids. I have no certain affinity towards them at this point either. I have responsibilities that should be accessed prior to taking on more commitments.

As I feel irresponsibility is intrinsically linked with stupid, I attempt to avoid it like a herd of zombie lepers. Is that a good enough answer for the tea and coffee book club?

Dark Roasted Blend: Imaginative Time Waster

2010-07-24T21:35:00.000-07:00

"Steam Octopus" by Alex Broeckel

Well I just stumbled upon the best way to kill time I don't have to spare. Some of you may already know about it. If you don't...you are in for a treat. Rather than write my own description I'll copy and paste the synopsis from their site.

I'm tired and sweaty because of this wretched heat. Just look at the damn link.

Dark Roast Blend.com

"Dark Roasted Blend" - All Kinds of Weird and Wonderful Things, Discovered Daily!"

is one of the favorite destinations on the web for all things weird and wonderful, updated daily. Our in-depth articles in many fascinating categories make DRB a highly visual online magazine, bringing you quality entertainment every time you open your feed reader or visit out site.

Started in November 2006 by Avi Abrams (based in Canada, formerly thrillingwonder.blogspot.com), it is now among the top 500 sites on Technorati, has more than 25,000 subscribers and welcomes approx. 50,000 daily unique visitors.

The "Dark Roasted Blend" is also a part of "Thrilling Wonder" family of sites, dedicated to the on-going quest for wisdom and beauty, for all things cool and wonderful in our world, and beyond - in the spiritual realm.

The name should reflect the sense of wonder that has been largely neglected in our cynical times. To that end, our "Thrilling Wonder" sites try to promote "the intense, wonderful and never-boring" side of things.

Get Yer Nerd On

2010-07-16T12:20:00.000-07:00

Unless your upbringing consisted of an island, a volleyball and an abundance of coconuts you had to experience social circles.

I remember being torn between what I liked and what was "cool" to like. I enjoyed video games, Star Wars, Tae Kwon Do, cars, and dumb stuff like pellet guns and blowing up action figures with firecrackers. It was "cool" to like sports, beach homes, parties, high-fashion, and drinking. I'm sure there were more more things the "in-crowd" enjoyed but I can't recall them.

The point is there are things that people like but don't want others to know they like. This brings self-loathing nerdom for lack of a better description. A split persona like the Wolf Man or Jeckyl & Hyde. Balancing personal interests with ones that you force yourself to be into because of peer pressure or at the least trying to succeed with the opposite sex (or whatever).

When you are past this little bubble of growing-up you can get back into the things that truly make you happy. You have developed into something a bit more mature or at least secure with itself. You are less interested in getting people to "like you" and finding others that can "know you".

Sure the backlash can be strange while revisiting old hobbies and rehashing times of childhood. Grown-ups collecting toy trains and buying sports cars we never could justify or afford while younger. Married people can focus on being happy with themselves and their spouse because the proverbial hunt has been replaced by a quest of relational exploration. I caught myself looking up old source books for the Star Wars Roleplaying Game yesterday, haha! I'm sure my wife would face-palm at the thought but still that's ok. Ultimately, I can probably blame Todd's current influx of nostalgia for that. Still, there is something fun about reliving true interests without the filter of "what will people think?".

When you get older you usually look back at the "cool kids" and realize how stupid they were. How dumb some of the gospel was that was being preached.

Football, lame snobby cars, superficial parties and expensive shoes?

Fuck that.

Mr. T's After School Special

2010-07-12T13:58:00.000-07:00

I stumbled upon this somehow while on my lunch break. I had to write something because my brain effectively froze-up like an old diesel that ran out of oil.

Sadly, I have nothing. My mind (and eyes) are still healing from the blast-wave of denim shorts, knee-high socks, and gold necklaces...plus the girls were freaky too.

Sorry in advance.

It's called "Snapping"

2010-07-08T10:33:00.000-07:00

The funny thing about humanity is we assume nice people are always nice. We assume big, mean, or a combination of the two are always a risk of generating pain.

We make a bulk-majority of our decisions using our physical senses. The problem is that people are not animals. We don't follow a code of hunt/gather/defense/flee but code outgoing speech and filter incoming messages through a fucked up system akin to a Brita water pitcher designed by Satan. This is why you can tell a girl she looks nice and she can burst into tears; this is why you can tell a guy to sleep on a bed of punji sticks and he will laugh and drink a beer with you.

The human psyche is a maelstrom of insecurity throwing baggage and drama through the air at 300 miles per hour. It can jump from block to block destroying a town and then randomly side-step a house sparing it for absolutely no reason at all. In the Helen Hunt/Bill Paxton scale of tornadoes it would be a F10!

Case and point: Don't Fuck With Someone Unless You Plan On Finishing It.

My wife is the sweetest thing on the planet. Kind, professional, morally astute. She also has a 0 degree, micro-beveled edge made of evil space ions so sharp that when it pierces logic and soul it creates an energy vortex in another galaxy. I've only had a few heated "discussions" with her before and I would swear she limbered up and hit a heavy bag for a half hour bare-knuckle prior. The point is that I found the breaking point and carelessly kept pushing the topic. I didn't know where I was going but for some reason had to keep pushing a dumbass opinion which in-turn reflected back on me like a Baby Grand being tossed out a window on to the worlds largest trampoline.

You know what is friendly, smart and extremely evil? The Raccoon:

"Adult raccoons can be savage fighters if cornered. Few dogs can kill an adult raccoon without suffering great damage from ripping teeth and claws. If the raccoon is attacked in water, it will try to hold the dog's head underwater until it drowns."

I forgot where this was happening but I heard recently, in Washington, raccoon's were a problem. They would team up and drag dogs down to the lake and drown them. People were losing pets and the sheriff called for an alert keeping pets inside. You have to admit, that's just about the most evil thing a living creature can do to another.

Speaking metaphorically, there is someone I know who is tangling with a raccoon. A 220 pound, word-venom spitting, tired of putting up with dramatic bullshit raccoon.

All I need is a fucking lake.

Immaturity Cycles

2010-07-02T21:40:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty young and naive about life but the cycles are starting to become apparent.

When you are young you do your best to grow-up quick. Children who have all the time off in the world (like every day of the year) aspire to be things like scientists, astronauts, cowboys and even less-common careers. For the record, I have more appreciation for people who hog-tie pigs and save damsels than those who arrange subprime second-mortgages. Well...if those even exist anymore.

A little later in life we try to focus on something that would be our "dream job". I remember people in Elementary School telling me about wanting to be an accountant or lawyer someday...the brainwash daddy/mommy-complex was more blatantly obvious than Santa Claus being fake.

We make piss-poor decisions through High School and much of college. Focusing on the "dream" which is encouraged by the staff. Most of the degrees are better suited for teaching students to become teachers which is an interesting little hurt-cycle if I ever saw one. They might as well add Pig-Latin to the language class list.

Getting out of school we have more ambition than three hundred years of Pharaoh's with almost as much "god complex" going on. This normally crashes down pretty hard or at the very least hits the stable plateau of reality. There is employment out there but being worshiped and driving the Aston Martin DBS is hardly realistic. There are a handful of people who graduate from Ivy League schools, who have holiday dinners at the Gate's, that strike it big but it's rarely from know-how. Good breeding and opportunity work well like that.

So three decades of busting ass along a path of maturity and here I am. A little wiser than where I started and more appreciative of what I have. I expect less out of life and the sneaky hook punches don't hurt quite as bad. This isn't a unique journey as many of you can attest to (at least, the basic direction).

Without kids in my life I choose immaturity.

I can't stand immature people. Selfish, doltish behavior with no desire to contribute to society or even be a loyal friend.

However, I love being mature and CHOOSING to act like a dolt. Living care-free and joking around. Laughing at life (and myself) and helping to remind people they should do the same. I can get serious and quick, it's just more fun to live selectively in whimsy.

Heading back to square one after 30 years isn't so bad. It's not repeating the journey but rather revisiting something long-forgotten. Visiting Neverland (not the Jackson estate) as a fat grownup and learning to play again is a very important thing in life. Stress and anger will pop your brain like a 5 amp car fuse being jammed into a wall outlet.

Well, what's the future hold for us middle-age or approaching thereabouts folks? More immaturity, seemingly life-or-death decisions about how many kids, a rush to try and secure early retirement, mid-life crisis, giving up early retirement for most of us, trying to be the "cool uncle", getting mature again, having problems walking, getting surly and finally being HAPPY for each day you wake up breathing without mask assistance (or even with).

I hope to get to the "crazy old guy" phase at some point. Jovial, fun, pranking kids and so-on. Maybe having enough money so I can be generous to those who need help.

I know that knowlege will always be revered. Family and friends will always be loved and treated fairly. Fun will always be found. Cars will always be driven above the speed limit.

Having a list of things to do before you die is a good thing. Having a creed is far more important.

You can't control what dice roll your way but you can typically minimize how many you roll(or bet), how much you drink, and how you act at the casino.

Don't fear the cycles. Embrace them and take notes. Try to not be escorted out like that other drunk asshole.

Smack Talk

2010-06-20T13:34:00.000-07:00

"Talking Smack" is really an art form.

Timing, wit, and tenacity are all exercised in REAL TIME. This isn't some type of turn-based game or email correspondence. It's actually quite like playing a fast paced game such as tennis...except the tennis balls are fucking fireballs and your aiming for their pride.

I was digging around yesterday for some of the best "smack talking" I could find and looked at a few comics slamming hecklers.

Hecklers are the biggest pricks in the world because they can blindside someone with a thought-out dickhead attack and the person has to fend them off while off-balance. It's easier to complain than to create. It's easier to attack the leader about failure than to successfully lead.

For you Kevin Smith fans this should be a great example of how it's done right.

Second Jobs

2010-06-20T13:00:00.000-07:00

It's like the cliche 90's phrase from Bart Simpson that is now archaic and almost forgotten: "Damned if you do...damned if you don't"

The reason a person picks up a second job is to afford a lifestyle that is either necessary or frivolous. Typically it's the first of those as few people bag groceries to drive a new Corvette. While I would admire that thought process it's far from the norm.

Sometimes "necessary" means at one point the person lived foolishly and is now just trying to get back on-top of life. In my case it was a student spouse which is a very mature way to spend oodles of cash. A decision which I am extremely proud of to this day.

The problem with second jobs, as most things in life, is that the convenience comes with a price. Retail work, especially part-time, is a double edged sword that does more user-maiming than real opponent-battling. The exchange for flexible hours are typically ones that you may not want to work, ones you can't control, and missing a few holidays due to making espresso or bagging groceries.

As of a couple weeks ago i was all but done with Starbucks. It's not because it's a bad company. It's not because my coworkers are bothersome. It's not because the pay isn't high enough. IT IS JUST RETAIL!

I have been there for almost two years. For the average 30+ year old straight dude college grad it's a long time. For those with a primary job it's tiresome. I figured after two years I deserved to try something new. To rejuvenate my part-time life for a year or so until we were back on two full-time wages. Some coworkers were frustrating and immature but rather than see myself as a strangely transposed member of that subculture I took them as...young.

What changed?

Well I interviewed for a second job which wasn't going to pay me quite as much as I thought (as if a $2/hour raise was going to solve all my troubles). I realized my goal of making more money was going to then come as the "opportunity" to work more hours (like 30+ per week) which I was convinced would take no toll on my psyche.

They offered me the job and I really thought about it. I weighed the pros and the cons (not just the ones I WANTED to see but all of them) and it didn't make sense.

In a strange way I had earned some degree of seniority at Starbucks. The manager is pretty good about scheduling and picking up shifts at my store (or any store) is extremely easy. It's close to my house and the pay is the same as the other place. I get a pound of free coffee a week, a 30% discount on all goods, usually a free lunch (protein smoothie) and all the coffee I want during my shift. Plus, I bring home a few shots for the morning.

The best damn part is I somewhat know what I'm doing at this point. Yes I run the drive-through window 90% of the time, can bust out a quick beverage and am a pro at cleaning the shit rooms. I remembered the awkwardness of starting a new job and how frustrating it is not knowing how to do anything well or even fast...why go through another 6 months of n00b school to quit shortly after?

Pragmatically the coffee drinking would stay about the same so there would be an added expense as would real lunches. Plus, if I don't have at least 4 shots a shift I'm a cranky slow fucker at almost any retail job.

Here's the nugget I'm trying to spit out. If you are skimming this (and you very well should be!) STOP right HERE!

"You can't always change life but you can always change perspective"

If I straight-up robbed that or paraphrased some genius forgive me...it was my own little realization. See all my complaints about money and my second job were in my head. Instead of being damn happy to have a second job at this point in my life I was upset at needing to have it. Instead of being pissed to work 14 hours a week I should have been thinking "why can't I work 25?".

Life is funny like that. We can't always say: "at least I have my health" or "at least I have my job" etc. However almost all of us can say, "at least I have all my limbs" or "at least I am alive".

Never thought I would be preaching optimism like some wretched musical version of Pollyanna did you?

Pessimism is fun and usually the center of great humor. I just can't endure it at this point. I'll wait till I have more breathing room...then I can selectively be a cranky fucker at will.

Well...maybe I'll just avoid judging myself. Going "cold-turkey" is rarely a healthy approach. I wouldn't want to shock my internal organs or something.

Good Samaritan Fail

2010-06-18T09:23:00.001-07:00

"Can You Help Me Push My Car..."

Stop right there.

I know what you are thinking, "Of course I will help!" Well there is a huge difference between "want" and "can". Let me explain.

Yesterday I was getting a scone at a local coffee shop to tide the rumblings of my stomach demons from the night before. Driving up 85th in Seattle from Aurora/I-99 there was a stalled out early 90's Oldsmobile Cutlass with dimly blinking hazard lights. People were swerving around it because it had stalled out in the middle of a lane headed up-hill and the person didn't have the common sense to BACK IT against the curb in a valid parking spot...20 feet away.

While I was ordering my scone the person behind me asked the Barista taking my order, "Can someone help me push my car up the hill? The battery died."

This is where my empathy bone would come in handy.

I looked at the car and the hill and said calmly to the Barista, "You will need 5 guys. She should back it up."

See in my elaborate resume of shitty jobs I have pushed quite a few cars. These range from my own Mustang to Ford F-350 diesel pickup trucks. I have tried by myself and have had the help of 8 extra technicians to cover this range of 3,000-8,000 pounds. Here are some facts:

* Usually it's not just the battery. If you push it up the hill, because the person is to cheap to call a tow truck and avoid breaking the law, they will ask you to fix it.

* There is a chance you can mess something up, bend a panel, etc. Some people will try to blame you for this. Hence why I don't jump-start people unless I can hand them a battery box and have them fry their own computer. I'm not signing up for that liability...they can call a licensed/bonded technician or tow-truck driver.

* The average car has few places to push from without damaging the car. There are no fucking handles. The bumper is REALLY low for a reason...so it can bump other cars. Hence the position your body has to be in is akin to Quasimodo. This is one reason it takes a billion fucking people to accomplish a simple push. ** See Below**

* Even a "lightweight" car at 2,500 pounds is heavy as hell. On level ground it's usually 10-20 times heavier than a person. Unless your an ant, or the ground is very level (if not downhill) this is harder than you would think. It's not like you wore your "pushing shit" shoes today right? The Olds above probably weighs about 3,600 pounds! Try pushing a full size truck with a buddy sometime and you will be introduced to a new buddy, "Hank The Hernia".

* This particular hill was at about a 20 degree angle. My visual protractor is a bit rusty but it was hardly level. That effectively increases the weight and also messes with body posture for the pushers.

Ultimately when people say "can you help?" they mean, "can you do?". The times I have done this half the people can't steer, keep their foot on the brake, or have it in gear.

This is the 21st century. We have opposable thumbs not fucking hooves. Using a cell phone or thinking of a solution (like rolling back into a spot) is ALWAYS a better option than gross physical force.

There is a huge difference between a pickle jar and an Oldsmobile Cutlass.

** Random Strange Hunchback Reference **

"Can I stop pushing please..."

"Use Smaller Words Plz..."

2010-06-18T09:02:00.000-07:00

Obama Speech Analysis...aka: "Heh heh...you said anal"

So the world's getting dumber it seems.

Obama just gave a speech about the situation with BP Oil Spill and apparently used large words and long sentences. Shame shame on him.

It seems his "Yes We Can" speech pinged a 7.4 grade level rating. This speech hit a whopping 9.8 on the same scale! You can imagine the head scratching and fart jokes that probably came as a response. I mean, seriously...can you paraphrase it for the children's table please? What part of democracy is founded in literacy?

It does make you think twice though about the average High School student spouting politics they likely were brainwashed about by their parents. Chances are they can hardly comprehend the concept, let alone come to a mature perspective. Again I'm merely stereotyping by the grade ranking...not saying all people are less intelligent or that some students may not be advanced.

In the famous quote from Idiocracy I will leave you with this:

Doctor: [laughs] Right, kick ass. Well, don't want to sound like a dick or nothin', but, ah... it says on your chart that you're fucked up. Ah, you talk like a fag, and your shit's all retarded. What I'd do, is just like... like... you know, like, you know what I mean, like...

Red Red Wine Makes Me Feel So Fine

2010-06-18T08:54:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to a sports bar with some buddies to throw back a couple/few/whatever.

We had some cackling hens, dolphins, pumas, or another strange metaphor for old loud hags right next to us. They were listening to Tom Petty and screaming the lyrics while obviously not being nearly intoxicated enough for the antics.

I thought, "How hypocritical is it to drink wine at a sports bar?" You have a group of people who are obviously too good to drink beer or cocktails so they reach for the red or white? Is that how you wash down a plate of sliders, nachos, or potato skins?

That's about as fucking stupid as me dressing up like the Monopoly Guy and handing out appetizers at the DMV. "Would you like a fine selection of cheeses to go with your license renewal?"

If your at a sports bar don't try to act fancy. I mean, eat with utensils if you want. Just don't have a cloud of superiority roaming above your table. You are still probably drinking that wine on the Happy Hour menu.

Cheers! Bottoms up! *glug belch*

Past Memories Turned CREEPY!

2010-06-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

I have quite a few childhood memories of things that were fun at the time but in the 21st century don't seem safe anymore.

Many of these glittery moments were due to the innocence of youth. Combine this with the fact that times "are a changin" and not necessarily for the better. The point is, kids these days have a different list of weekend plans. Texting friends on their cell phones, trying to get liquor at the age of 14 and some even having sex at around 11 years old.

So much for running in the damned sprinkler, huh?

Parks

Lynnwood Neighborhood Park: This dragon was huge when I was 6...now it looks like a dangerous and tacky paper mache project.

The idea of going to the park has long disappeared from my mind. As a kid it was about running around in the grass, climbing on the big-toy, and screaming like a banshee till the ears of adults bled-out. Back then the big problems were "talking to strangers" and older kids trying to get you to smoke cigarettes. Well...I assume there were drug problems too but I never saw them. Ultimately: avoid old guys in trench coats, no candy from people in running cars, don't smoke anything offered to you from a guy in a denim jacket. Check.

What's wrong with the good-ol park these days?

First of all it's a good thing the local parks are owned by the county because 90% of parents are total assholes looking for a lawsuit. If young Billy can't balance for shit it must be the problem of the inanimate object cemented to the ground. Riighhhttt!

Second it seems the creepy people are multiplying. The emo kids are the non-creepy ones and the friendly looking people are the most psychotic. That's right, Mr. Rogers would be targeted as a pedophile before even leaving the Magic Kingdom. Do you want a cookie? NO!

Not to mention that now slightly-older kids aren't trying to get kids to do drugs because they are out trying to get laid and/or drunk. The late teens to early thirties that would fit this demographic in the park are usually picking shrooms and trying to sell them. That's right boys and girls...drug dealing seems to have been hit by inflation too. No getting kids slowly "hooked" when you can find some dumbass highschooler with a bank account and an entire weekend to trip out and drool.

Say "NO" To Drugs Alice!

Toys R Us

My Imagination Circa 10 Years Old.

My Imagination (and Reality) Circa 30 Years Old.

There is a very special place in my heart for Toys R Us.

When we were growing up the big thing was the "Shopping Spree" contest where a winner had a minute or something of that nature to run through the store slamming crap into a rickety cart. Todd, Alex and I dreamed of hitting the Nintendo isle and bankrupting the fuckers in one fell swoop grabbing HAND-FULLS of the same game ticket. We figured we could sell them later but seriously we had this planned to the last detail.

Even walking through the store was amazing. Seeing action figures and games for the first time, shiny bikes, and I swear there were a few isles devoted to toys that had to do with fake green slime.

What changed? Well one thing that DIDN'T change was the decor. They had the same off-color rainbow checkering 20 years ago...now it just looks out of place. Furthermore with all the extra creeps in the world you see Toys R Us as the ultimate liability for any naive child. The fact that kids are playing Xbox360 instead of with $15+ plastic action figures is a problem too. I remember those things adding up and you couldn't leave with just one. It seemed every cartoon show came out with action figures which you had to collect. Basically, I'm saying it seems kids are less interested in playing with toys and more interested in bypassing adolescence going straight from childhood to adulthood.

I guess Walmart is now the official center for shitty overpriced child bicycles.

Public Pools

In NW Washington the public outdoor pool is a novel concept. It never is really warm enough here to avoid putting people into hypothermic shock. Still the idea of swimming around weightless amongst our friends was fun as Hell. There were even water parks for those who could afford the entry fee. At an adolescent the thought of my peers in bathing suits was almost heart-attack capable.

The Wild Waves Marketing Dept Should Be Worshiped

These days most public watering holes are run about the same as the average public prison. Perhaps worse regarding health codes. The idea of a drowning kid is about the most terrifying nightmare I can come up with...it's really the ultimate parental gamble. Fun vs Death? Where are those dice?!

Insecurity has added to the complexity of this event as well. The only people who like being in bathing suits are those who spend a couple hours a day in the gym and tanning booths(because they don't have real jobs) or people who just don't give a shit anymore. This location stopped appealing to me at about 16 when my expectations of social interaction with the fairer species was more about feeling awkward than having fun and being cool.

Wild Waves + Federal Way = Another Place To Buy Crack

Buses

Taking the bus as a child was never a great experience but rather signified the leaving of school. Combine this with total unbridled chaos and it made for an entertaining 30-45 minutes.

Public Transportation For Kids

These days the average young woman is frequently heckled by some type of social derelict. You get to see a close-up on your favorite cops episode without the black censorship squares. It's almost sad you wish for Keanu Reeves, Sandra Bullock and a speed-sensitive bomb. It would be safer and less dirty.

Public Transportation For Adults

Ice Cream Man

By far the winner is the Ice Cream Man. Once a patron of overpriced sugary-dairy goodness he has fallen from grace.

Once upon a time the sound of the Ice Cream Man would summon children into the streets like a stampede of field mice. The very twinge of the strangled electronic harpsichord emitting from an old USPS Jeep filled with melting goodness could put a child into a catatonic state. I don't recall how much the ice cream was, nor if the average one was any good...it was the principle of the event. A ceremony of whimsy if you will.

These days it's a new form of "blue collar" work. The only thing that hasn't changed in the last 20 years is the damn same minivans who had the route. Old Dodge Caravan's with rust and moss growing on them. People ranging from people who didn't make it into the taxi industry to others who look like they still live at home with mom and mix things up in the basement from the Alchemist's Cookbook. Also, about once every two years we hear about an ICM threatening another with a knife over a turf-war or a kidnapping.

There isn't a place on Earth that ice cream is worth it. Not in the middle of a desolate post-apocalyptic wasteland after coming out of your 40 year hiatus in a lead-walled bomb shelter.

Fuck...that...

Gordon Ramsay: Kitchen Nightmares

2010-06-06T09:59:00.001-07:00

We all have our sadistic little joys. You know, those things that amuse us in a dark mischievous way they really shouldn't.

If you have ever seen Hell's Kitchen you Gordon Ramsay to be a Grade A badass. On paper it doesn't make sense: British, Chef, Rambo? One of these things is not like the other! Well, even better than Hell's Kitchen is Kitchen Nightmares.

See in Hell's Kitchen, Gordon whips a bunch of intro-level chefs into shape and the prize is a head chef position at a famous restaurant for a year. Impressive resume building to say the least (plus the insane pay).

With Kitchen Nightmares he visits financially ruined restaurants. The kind that are on their last legs financially and often borrowing legs from other places. The food is crap and even the retirement community complains about food being "mushy" or "bland". The equipment is normally defunct and the chef/owner is more-so. He starts by trying the food, berating it to the owners face, then fixing it from the ground-up. In the end everyone is glad he came and the restaurant is revamped so it actually makes sense.

Here's a clip from the show in the UK (which has no language filtering):

The show in the USA is amazing too. The vibe and editing are different and while the language is filtered he still lets them fly. Basically anyone who crosses him from a 300 pound Italian chef to a Caesar Salad gets the ass kicking of a lifetime. The toughest, meanest assholes you wouldn't want to sit within 20 feet of on mass-transit end up crying, quitting, or both.

The best thing about it is the reason why he can be a badass: He is a pro.

That's the damn truth of life, if you are good enough you can be brutally frank about things and people just have to listen. If anyone should appreciate that subtle fact of life it's us Americans. For the most part we would fire our own family to make an extra buck. We are the coldest revenue/expense calculating bookkeepers this side of the fiery pit. I respect any professional of any profession because they have worked out all the kinks in their armor and are operating at 100% "Get out of my way" mode.

Yes he is British. Yes he is a chef. That said he's one of the best around and whatever he says is gospel. If you can't handle the heat, get out of the damn kitchen.

If Stupid Wasn't Around...

2010-06-04T09:41:00.000-07:00

Seattle would be pretty quiet today.

Driving to work I travel a few major highways. I merge from I-405 to I-5 and then sneak through the Green Lake area to I-99/Aurora. All opportunity to see horrible (aka: "gutwrenching") drivers.

Usually you have the typical people driving 40mph on the freeway, the cellphonites, or the anti-mergers. Occasionally you have the dump truck on Queen Ann Hill trying to do a 32-point U Turn which takes about 10 minutes. Then there are days that stupid hits you so hard that you look around for a strange fat man with a camera crew or a stringy comic relief actor with pubescent facial hair.

What...

...the...

...FUCK?

You can probably tell by my horrible cell phone pictures the local authorities were holding a fun run. I would have taken more photos or even stopped to bask in the glow of dumb but even holding a cell phone while driving is a big legal sin. That's right...about 40 officers, 10 vehicles, for half a dozen runners.

After all, it is Friday. Nobody really works on Friday and nobody really travels I-99. Let's have a paltry number of "men in blue" trotting down the MIDDLE lane of a major highway. Meanwhile crime ensues and people are late for their jobs only to be fired amidst the biggest depression since 1929. Not to seem too petty (as if there is a "kind of petty") but the tax money to put this on was probably upwards of $100,000 knowing our city...to which I have no fucking clue why they were running in the first place. If we are going to buy the pizza for the party at least let us hang out and have fun too.

Yes I'm being a bit melodramatic. However, I've seen parades that screw up traffic less than this. I missed my light (which would have put me IN-FRONT of this mess) by about 10 seconds...in fact, I missed 4 of those lights. The lady ahead of me almost caused a wreck backing up rapidly from the fright and apparent lack of driving ability.

Knowing my luck and history with Murphy's Law this was probably a run for breast cancer awareness, homeless pets, Michael J Fox's organization, or the four Lakewood officers who were slain just recently.

I have a knack for making myself look like an insensitive dick in the most public and permanent way possible.

We all have our gifts.

5 Video Game Concepts That Would Make Life Better

2010-05-29T13:26:00.001-07:00

I don't have much time these days to play video games. Still there is a place in my heart for them.

My group of friends (brothers included) and I were playing them from about Atari on and got to enjoy the invention of the current MMORPG/MMO (Massive Multi Online Role Playing Game).

We got to sink thousands of hours into characters. We were able to endure modem disconnects and the 15 minutes it took to get back into the game only to realize we had died. After that looking for our corpses (which had our equipment and gear) which apparently had auto-run off a cliff into a pit of lava. Other times we would be alive but stuck in a wall or under the ground plane of the zone. Yes, good memorable times of growing up.

It would come to no surprise that occasionally in "real-life (RL)" the frustrations life are met with geek flashbacks. While some go full-bore nerd and dream of agile female wood elves I'm speaking merely from a coping perspective. See in the video game world there are methods of dealing with stress and problems. A skilled player who does his/her research can beat amazing odds simply by not being a "noob". This last part is somewhat like our normal world except for more dragons.

Here's my list of things I would snag from the world of pixels and pathing glitches. The comfort food of geekery for lack of a better phrase:

"AFK (away from keyboard)" and the Power/Reset buttons

One of the most frustrating things about life is the fact that it keeps going against your will. If work sucks you can't walk away sometimes. If people are being stupid or you have to wait for something important to happen you can't simply check-out for the day.

AFK is a double-edged sword of the gaming world. When people are depending on you, with three letters you can take a break and do something more important while they just wait. As you get higher up in levels or skill people's patience also increases because your probably one of the few folks who can help them out. It's also frustrating as hell for the non-AFK folks but being able to slam on the little brackets above your head and walk away would be pretty amazing.

The Power/Reset buttons are awesome too. If things are going shitty in Super Mario Brothers you can reset the game and try from scratch or simply turn off the power and do something else. Could you imagine this in real-life? A conversation isn't going well and you just said something extremely dumb [ RESET ]...ok..."Hey how's it going ____?" There are other days you would just click the power button and be like, "I really don't want to do this today, maybe tomorrow..." *click* *zoooooom*

In the older games we used to play you could type "/q" which would drop you out of the game. This would get you out of shitty groups and having to have conversations with certain people. It would just say you have been "disconnected" which was much easier than honest conversation.

Teleporting

Another huge waste of time in life is transportation. Getting to the office and driving back home. Headed out of town to your in-laws and then driving back. Going from the couch to the refrigerator for a beer and back to the couch. When do we get a break from this?!?

Basically there is long and short range teleportation. In some games certain characters have a list of places they can port to that are on different continents via magic spell. Other places have little glowing coasters which when stepped on do the same thing. Even with one bind point you could drive to work, *blip* and be back at home. This would make life so much easier.

Of course, there is also the most basic sense of teleportation we find in games like Pac Man where when you go off screen you end up on the other side. This is pretty cool too and would work I guess.

Grouping with Competence

My guess is Menuda plays WoW...they are all female Night Elf Hunters

A nice thing about games are that IF (and it's a big "if" for me) you want to socially interact with more people you can pick your group. If you end up in a group that looks stupid, slow, or has a Grade A douchebag in it you can just leave. Make up an excuse like, "I got to pick up the kids" or maybe "Silversword is a fucktard. I'm outa here."

Generally, this isn't the same at the workplace. You are surrounded with people ranging from mental equals to those who surprisingly were able to figure out bipedal walking and their opposable thumbs. They aren't doing much with these amazing tools but they happened to get a job where you work. Even your leader can be a complete toolshed but you can't disband his/her ass and find a different one...you need to pay the mortgage.

Great pull dumbass. This is the last Pick-up Group I'll ever be in...

Basically the point of a video game group is to maximize the strengths of a small number of intelligent people to do better things. The wrong mix or people who flat suck at their jobs won't allow you to complete the goal at hand. It's easier to be petty and boot people in a game than in real-life. Namely because you can't put them on an ignore list or go to another zone.

Experience Points = Levels

If there is one thing the video game world has taught me is that experience > all. All the amazing gear in the world (and some degree skill) won't compensate for levels.

The longer and smarter you play the stronger you become...survival of the fittest. You get more hit points, bigger weapons, harder hitting spells, and the fact is a higher level enemy/player has a modifier for you to miss. That means a level 30 attacking a level 50 is about as fair as me attacking a polar bear with a knife.

In our world people don't give experience or age enough credit. Some smart Ivy League MBA is given a voice along with the tie his mom helped him put on. No experience points at all in this case yet with enough support they can springboard into a high-level group and get in on the phat lewts. What a crock of shit! Go back to the newbie area and kill some rats and spiders for a while please.

Beneficial Spells

If most people could pick they would probably go for lightning bolts or fireballs. Something strictly destructive due to the oppressed inner child or something. That said it would be a waste of a pick.

There are a million ways to destroy something but only a few ways to fix it. Beneficial spells (like healing or resurrection) would come in extremely handy. Other beneficial buffs (short-term improvement spells like running faster, enduring cold, etc) would come in extremely handy.

I would like to increase my speed at processing paperwork, dull my headache from lack of coffee, and invigorate my personality at the end of a long day. Of course, jumping off a cliff with levitate on would fucking rule too.

Damn You Spiders!

2010-05-17T21:22:00.000-07:00

No it's not a spider. It's the opposite to a spider.
It's cute and makes me happy.

A fun topic to bring up is worst fears. It's a nice ice breaker and what good conversation isn't rooted in terror? Yep...obviously I wasn't a summer camp kind of kid growing up.

People usually bring up heights. I can see that one besides the vertigo sensation there is always the thought of what happens to the human body on impact. Hell, we can hardly take a trip down a few stairs let alone a 20 foot free-fall. Another one is enclosed spaces. This makes sense as if you run out of air you die rather quickly. The list goes on and on and most of them make sense: loud noises, guns, wild animals, driving on the freeway in the rain, etc. There is a list of the Top 10 here. Just for fun here is a list of less common phobias (which mostly just crazy people have).

What's my worst fear? Well if the occult ranks a 10, I would say spiders are an easy 9. Yes, that's how terrifying I find spiders. Spiders takes the proverbial scary cake.

There is no proper reason to be terrified. I mean, pound for pound they are a joke. There are only a few that can kill a person and unless your walking around with a banana leaf diaper chances are you wont ever find one.

In Northwest Washington there a few that would put a sizable painful bite on you, maybe even urging medical help...but none that will KILL a person of reasonable health. If you avoid stacked lumber outside in a dank barn and your pretty safe. A bug bomb or bug spray will take care of the rest. If your house doesn't look like the next scene for a chainsaw massacre flick it's unlikely you will see many of the bad ones.

Why the paranoia?

* 8 black eyes devoid of soul or emotion
* 8 strange plodding legs covered with strange hair able to scale almost any object
* A huge hairy ass that spins sticky nearly transparent thread to make webs to trap prey
* Two large fangs carrying venom and used to suck blood out of a trapped and bound prey
* Fear compounded by numbers. Yes, they get LESS dangerous yet still contain the majority of the scary juice. That means 20 yellow baby spiders is about 15 times more frightening to one you can actually crush.

Oh...that's all.

FUCK!!!

Just writing that makes me shiver. What makes me shiver more is walking to the door after a long day of work and catching a thread across the face (or leaving in the morning when you're not quite awake).

Oh what's worse than that? Enjoying a nice beer (2nd actually) and sitting on the couch talking to a bud on chat and looking over to the right to see a black evil bastard sitting next to you on the arm rest! This actually happened and I bludgeoned the life force from his 8-legged ass with a beer bottle.

People say there is a circle of life. Spiders eat insects that would ruin crops or eat other things. Well I can't think of a single thing more visually terrifying than a spider.

Unless they are eating zombie polar bears, demon lawyers, or ogre ex-girlfriends they can just go to Hell for all I care.

Well...or "Buggy Heaven". That's the front patio at my house growing up in Lynnwood where we would put dead bugs.

PS: I hate those octopodal assholes so much that I do one blog a year about spider hatred. That way if one is civilized enough to be on the internet blog-surfing it might have a heart attack from my fuming hatred. Yep...I'm on to your game.

Vultures

2010-05-10T11:01:00.000-07:00

I was intending on this one to be a fluffy post or at least a little less caustic.

That said, I'm looking forward to a badass BBQ on Tuesday so that day will likely be filled with sun beams, dancing fauns, riddling gnomes oh and one domestic Silat Warlock with monk-ordained beer.

Any blog a month or two afterwards should be happier than the Small World After All ride at DisneyLand minus the annoying music and racial stereotypes filtered through American media. Well...unless I can embed music like Myspace.

Until tomorrow, let's frolic in the murky waters:

This is a group of White-Backed Vultures eating the rotting carcass of a Wildebeest...
I think I recognize a few acquaintances too.

Here's a little nature lesson on Vultures brought to you by Blake and Wikipedia. My wife was trying to identify a few birds from our hellish trip back from Portland in gridlock and looked them up. I always knew Vultures were bottom-feeding nasty fuckers but they are worse than you might imagine.

Here's the good part:

Vultures seldom attack healthy animals, but may kill the wounded or sick. When a carcass has too thick a hide for its beak to open, it waits for a larger scavenger to eat first.^[4] Vast numbers have been seen upon battlefields. They gorge themselves when prey is abundant, till their crop bulges, and sit, sleepy or half torpid, to digest their food. They do not carry food to their young in their claws, but disgorge it from the crop. These birds are of great value as scavengers, especially in hot regions. Vulture stomach acid is exceptionally corrosive, allowing them to safely digest putrid carcasses infected with Botulinum toxin, hog cholera, and anthrax bacteria that would be lethal to other scavengers.^[5] This also enables them to use their reeking, corrosive vomit as a defensive projectile when threatened. Vultures urinate straight down their legs; the uric acid kills bacteria accumulated from walking through carcasses, and also acts as evaporative cooling.

Blake Translated:

So these odd-looking fuckers fly around looking for wounded and sick to kill or rotting flesh to eat. They don't have the vulture synonym for "chutzpah" or the hip-urban youth phrase "balls" so they let bigger, better animals do all the work.

When they find something to eat they gorge out like a line of Everett Mall fatties ignoring their 7 children for a second round at the Sizzler buffet. Once they are done eating they sit there half-dead in a quasi-hibernating state...if they have young/mongrels they will walk over and throw a little back up the gullet for them (yum!).

Vultures have stomach acid that is extremely corrosive and able to kill nigh-anything eaten on a bacterial level. This lets them eat dead shit and things that would kill pretty much any other creature that isn't immune to various toxins, cholera or anthrax (not the band). This acid would be akin to the gangrene bubbling in my nether-regions after a large drunken feast of bar nachos and an ungodly amount of dark rum...only to wake me at 3am howling like a banshee for death itself to carry me away.

Not only do they have this bubbling cauldron of witch brew acting as a stomach but if threatened they can dry-heave putrid foul-smelling acid all over their predators. This is guaranteed to not only burn them but creep the fuck out of anything on this planet be it real or mythological.

Since they have some sense of pride (for creatures walking around on dead bodies all day long) they do the classy thing by pissing down their legs to wash off and kill the bacteria. This also acts as a urine radiator or piss-spray-fan.

Question

Do you know any vultures?

Enough With Vegetables Already...

2010-05-01T13:38:00.000-07:00

I am glad some people live off only veggies. I'm glad it makes them happy. Those are part of a healthy diet and who doesn't like a potato here and there? Even us meat lovers can reach for a bowl of celery and ranch dip because it's a great combo with hot wings.

Personally, I see the vegetarian and vegan diets as borderline sometimes. They come in all types but for every one person who properly regulates nutrition and gets enough calories to sustain health and fitness there are nine semi-anorexic (I'm politically adding the "semi") people unable to lift much more than their own torso.

If you break down the group of people who choose to not eat meat most people seem to fit into the following categories:

1. I don't like the taste: Good for them! I don't like eggplant so we are equal.

2. I want to be "healthier": There is some merit to this but the blanket phrase obviously is stupid. Half the people who say it also refer to it as feeling "clean" which while very Jewish isn't completely accurate. Being a vegetarian isn't like joining a health spa. There is organic meat out there after all.

3. I feel it's wrong to eat meat: I can't argue someones convictions but there is a natural circle of life. Just watch the Lion King. Cows aren't an endangered species and if you don't catch enough cod they will start to eat baby crab. Do what you want but don't "play God" because we always screw up when we try.

4. It's evil and nobody should eat meat: Go fuck yourself. I'll eat all the damn meat, fish, and whatever I want. I'm NOT going to chomp down on a Bald Eagle or Spotted Owl but don't go acting all "holy" because you choose broccoli over death. It's nice we can have selective morality these days (even the non-religious). I'll be sure to judge you for something else...believe me, it won't be hard.

What's my reasoning behind eating meat?

Well besides it tasting awesome a quick look at our teeth is a first hint. Only a fraction of them are flat! While sharp pointed teeth do go through certain vegetables better than dull flat ones it's obvious what they are for. For animals large canine teeth are often used to defend them from predators, hunt, and generally look badass. It's linked to aggression and I hear that some violent dogs become tame when the canines are filed down.

If large canine teeth are linked with aggression the
Sabertooth Tiger was probably insanely fucking mean

Another reason is that meat is a good source of protein. Vegetarians will argue more protein is not always better. This statement is true and easily proved by a 7th grade health class (applause!). However, it is important if you care about muscle tone. I'm no nutritionist but you need to eat a damn ton of peanuts, milk, whey-protein shakes and avocados to make up for a little bit of meat. Plus, sometimes you want an order of nachos not 15 pounds of salad and a clumpy shake.

The "healthier" argument does make sense assuming the person is used to eating pork chop sandwiches and having bacon grease blood transfusions. However, most people eat a little bit of white meat or fish which is extremely healthy. Even us meat eaters occasionally moderate what we do just like you vegge-huggers occasionally shower and not sleep in VW vans.

Being a vegetarian seems a valid route if you can get over missing steaks smothered with BBQ sauce (which I cannot). Some people foo-foo the killing of animals yet line up to buy veggie-sausage and tofu-ribs. What the fuck? That's pretty twisted if you ask me. Why not just dress a potato up like a pig and make squealing noises at dinner?

Oh boy! Nothing gets me ready for a peace march like veggie bacon!

Really it all comes down to money. As with the Atkins diet it's just damn difficult to go the path of most resistance (financially and cognitively). The alternative if you don't want to spend the money and pay attention to the details is starvation aka: hippie-anorexia.

For a guy who drives an economy car to save a buck at the gas station and has two jobs I don't want to deal with it right now. Probably not watching documentaries on non-organic meat is a good step too. Submitting myself to some horrible PETA ammunition of a redneck slaughter house is guaranteed to make anyone sad but you can seek depravity out anywhere in life...thanks Youtube. Nixing Taco Bell from of my "emergency meal" category again wouldn't be a great tactic right now. I will definitely look forward to the lavender filled pillow smothered Kobe beef someday though.

People get pretty damn pretentious and willing to jump up on a soap box when they have extra money and time on their hands. If I took 5 vacations a year and drove a BMW I would probably be a whiny dick too.

Star Wars by Environmentalists

2010-04-29T10:44:00.000-07:00

This is funny not because it's political but because an Ewok was holding a Starbucks drink with the Imperial's logo on it.

I had a good laugh but I don't take myself too seriously. I'm sure Al Gore shed a tear or two.

KFC "Double Down"

2010-04-27T15:09:00.000-07:00

There are some things you eat and feel guilty about afterward. There are others that you know you shouldn't eat and do anyways because of self-loathing or apathetically at the end of a rough day. Then there are things that no person should ever eat unless for literary fuel. I present to you: The KFC Double Down.

The best way to attack your Digestive System is with an unsuspecting
Karate Chop to the Pancreas

The "Double Down" is what happens when an evil company takes a few strips of bacon and two strange pale cheese substitutes, melts them between two pieces of breaded deep fried chicken, and plops them into a paper bag and tiny box.

That's right, forget the bread people. Welcome the new and improved bread...chicken! It does anything that bread 1.0 does except better and with more greasy flexibility. It's like the sleazy contortionist of the faux-wheat family.

Proponents of the chicken, chicken, meat, bacon, cheese diet say it's only 600 calories. Which actually isn't bad compared to some fast food offerings. That said, there is something traumatizing about the sheer presence of the Double Down. Dripping cheese and various liquids like the Rancor from Star Wars (well...the Rancor never was dripping cheese), having the form and physical assertiveness of a bear attack amputee. There is no nutritional category for "Mocking Fate" but if there was it would be at least 150% of your daily intake.

What's it taste like?

You unwrap a half-pound fatty chicken lump from a translucent paper bag. As you hold it's lifeless form it bends under the weight of it's own sin and the cheese-esque matter attempts to escape like a small town of Spanish citizens as being chased by bloodthirsty bovines.

It's beginning and end is an vague amalgamate mess of asymmetry. The only thing you realize is that action must be taken immediately before it's structural integrity gives way and you have to rent a carpet cleaner or priest to exorcise the floor.

Counting down, from what seems not nearly enough numbers, you bite into a chewy lukewarm pile of off-white meat. You attempt to pull a bite away from the rest of the structure but realize it's not going without a fight. The cooked and re-heated bacon strips are holding it together like rebar through a brick wall. You bite down harder, and pull with the zeal and ferocity of a HoneyBadger and are able to dislodge a chunk. As you chew the lump, foreign evil salty flavors pretend to be pleasure. In actuality they are similar to the gigantic fabled wooden horse that kicked the Greeks ass during the Bronze Age.

Cutting to the end of the consumption ordeal, guilt kicks in in a swift five seconds after the last bite. The realization that you just ate a sandwich without bread and likely without real meat is unsettling in the worst after-school special kind of way. After guilt of course comes it's ugly friend Fear which makes you wonder what the hell is going on inside your stomach, what may be happening to the rest of your body, and lastly what may happen in a few hours as you expunge the Colonel's demons in the most dramatic and painful way since the Exorcist.

FYI...
This was edited from the movie with MSPaint

In the end if this "meal" truly represents 600 calories I can think of more gratifying ways to consume the same amount. If they truly are measurements of heat, I would think 600 calories of spontaneous human combustion would be slightly more healthy and far less pride punishing.

Just remember. Whenever you go "Double Down" on something in life you still have a chance of losing...you can just fail twice as bad.

KFC is in this case is a guaranteed epic fail x 2.

Superpowers: Good and Evil

2010-04-16T13:29:00.000-07:00

Last night was like many mindless task-oriented shifts. Clean this, scrub that, trash liners, dishes and all the while serving coffee and caring. I occasionally ask a random question of geekery to see how people react and check their pulse for a snob reading. You know, like: "Who would win in a fight...Chewbacca or Gandalf the Grey (not white dammit)." Last night it was:

"If you had a superpower...would you be a hero or a villain?"

The strange thing is both people upon hearing this question made the most evil smile imaginable. They are not twisted individuals but I believe the thought of being omnipotent for a weekend amused their creativity. Specifically considering all the people who have scorned them in the past and the general difficulty of living life and doing the "right thing" all the time.

Thinking about this I realized the question itself is hardly amusing but to some degree a deep look at humanity. Let's look at a few scenarios involving superpowers and the perspective that would form the stereotypical "villain". It's pretty easy to figure out the "hero" role because it's been beat to death: powerful, selfless, morally perfect, good looking, considerate of all aspects of life and decisions...oh, and extremely nauseating.

Preface

First of all I think most people can relate to the villian role. After all, the hero is perfect by definition and even when he/she is tempted it's akin to us eating an extra donut...they always pull out of it and look damn glittery in the end. The villain however is tempted, falls, despises oneself, takes revenge, and ultimately makes fights a bit harder towards the end because he/she fights for personal gain (the hero fighting for others because of self-perfection).

There are some villians most people CAN'T relate too. I don't know what you would call these but they are on the boarder of "super villain" in that the goal is genocide, suffering, cannibalism, or something completely fucked up. They aren't lashing out because someone door dinged them or cut them off on the freeway...they are lashing out because they love seeing things bleed for that reason alone. I can't feel for Doctor Doom, Omega Red, Cyber or any 1-off killing machine because the writers don't exactly develop much remorse or humanity in the character. Two-dimensional death all the way for them.

Omega Red: Energy draining, adamantium infused, cryo-experiment gone wrong. Oh...and he's a pinko commie fuck. Empathy = 0 %

In no particular evil/good paradigm order.

The Traditional Anti-Hero

This ultimately is a flawed hero that has questionable views and methods but aims to accomplish the goal of all the other heroes. It's an extremely popular role in films and comics because it's realistic. We can understand Batman's childhood trauma and how he cracks skulls to clean up Gothem City but Superman is just a little too damn perfect. I think every man and woman watching him interact with Lois Lane through history has said, "FUCK! When are they gonna hook up?" Batman on the other hand is rich, a slightly slimy hero, and hooks up with quite a few ladies as his "facade" and even has different girlfriends like anyone who actually walks the planet.

Some famous Anti-Heros would be Batman, Wolverine, Hulk, Punisher, and even some baddies turned good even if just for a greater purpose like Green Goblin teaming up with Spiderman, etc. Some are on a vendetta rampage which if survived lead them down this path; others in this category are just assholes who would rather punch than talk.

I think most of us darker folks would head towards this path. If fighting crime, truly "horrible people", I don't know if many would have much empathy for the method but rather focus on the result.

Obviously the police and military failed so if you want our help your going to have to deal with the perspective. Drastic action for drastic problems with the end justifying the means. Chances are your city is going to be messed up so don't come bitching to us about having to raise taxes to pay for the sidewalk my tank-car or RPG blew to pieces. Deal with it.

The Outcast

Darkman: Ugly, Smart, and pretty damn outcasted.

While many comic outcasts are created because they couldn't get the girl the hero could and went crazy (Pyro vs Iceman), there is a more understandable logic to this archetype.

Being the victim of society due to race, gender, religious beliefs or other factors the Outcast can be formed. Being teased long enough of cursed with disfigured looks the good intentions of this person is seen as evil to everyone else (Darkman). While they are typically self-involved I think there is more to this character. Stories such as Beauty and The Beast indicate there is more to love in this character because at some point they were wronged rather than being simply outlets of misanthropy.

Really the one thing that keeps the Freak or Social Recluse from becoming a "Evil" Outcast is power. With the ability to lash out they may be acting out of self-justification but indeed they are villainous to some degree. If you could melt the school bully's car with mind-rays the average person would see you as evil while in some ways you would just be mischievous and righting wrongs of the past. Don't think I'm going down the road of kids and guns...I'm talking completely fictional as if you had superhuman strength and freezing breath. It takes a different mindset to go shooting than to put your ex-boyfriend's car on the top of the Space Needle (without him in the car).

The Lazy/Unaccomplished

Suppose you struggled your entire life and got nowhere. You were broke, uneducated, and never caught a break. You owed money to everyone and still were flipping burgers or making tacos in one of those aluminum snack wagons. *Biiizzzaaam!* You're convection oven exploded contaminating the taco truck with gamma-radiation (don't pull the science card...this is my fucking story). Now you are the same guy before who can whip up a great taco and owes cash to everyone...except you can bite steel bars in half and fly.

Well damn, moral convictions just got a bit more sticky. See instead of driving around in your 1972 AMC Gremlin and smelling like fajitas you can fly to a Ferrari dealership and take a car. You can bust a hole in a bank and take some cash then retire in Mexico. If people come after you, there is no way they can catch you or if they want to push the topic you can just sit there drinking Dos Equis Amber on a lawn chair as bullets bounce off your chest. They better not fuck with the TV reception though or that M1 Abram is going to get flung back to New York in one badass hammer-toss move.

You just went from broke loser to chilling in Mexico drinking beers and redlining your Ferrari F430. Nobody was killed. You didn't burn down schools, churches, and steal candy from babies as most heroes would want them to believe. This would be a damn hard temptation to avoid and the very reason why Superman/Clark Kent is a bigger cheesedick than we give him credit for. Apparently they don't have Ferrari's on Krypton.

Vendetta

The Vendetta is a tough one because the viewer is led to believe they are rational, noble, and justified. Really...they are fucking insane!

You would go insane too. A band of mobsters screw you over. They murder your family, kick your dog, burn down your house, ruin your credit, and hack your Facebook account sending out fake nude photos of you...all in one fell swoop.

Wolverine says, "They hacked my Facebook account too?
That's the last damn straw..."

The only rational thing that keeps you from going Charles Bronson on them is the ability to do so. Oh...did I mention you are a crazed gun toting Navy Seal? You have a 4D+2 regeneration ability and a samurai sword forged from brimstone and testosterone. Yep, they are totally fucked and you're gonna feel remorseful in about 350 years. Luckily that's like 4 times the lifespan of the average guy so it's ok. We aren't taking into account religion in this post by the way because of course there are other factors to "letting God sort them out" if you believe something happens past the coffin rotting. This is why for me, it would be very difficult and at very least an "ask for forgiveness" situation.

Another interesting thing about this archetype is that the vendetta is usually the origin of the anti-hero. Wolverine, Punisher, Batman...etc. They usually just get to the point where they have become so jaded that while the past is avenged they are hellbent on making sure nobody else suffers like they did. Obviously early childhood memories guide actions but once they have made right what was once wrong they (in my non-literary opinion) change to the next class type. Like in Final Fantasy I when the Thief becomes the Ninja. It doesn't as much sense as when i was 10 but just roll with the analogy.

Summary

The key to the evil/good dichotomy is perspective. What is evil to the outsiders is completely moral to the person fighting for what is believed to be right. In all truth, these factors are hardly "classes" as most villains have factors of most of them wrapped into one strange package.

When Captain Planet decided to fucking destroy a construction companies tractors to save a spotted eagle how many people lost their jobs? How many relationships crumbled and parents had to take on unscrupulous occupations to make ends meet? How typical that we would sacrifice an entire chunk of the economy to save a bird that would unlikely even taste good with BBQ sauce. Hero Fail.

Of course nobody saw it this way. A bunch of punks ran around with mood rings burning, soaking, and flinging shit through the air as that little East Indian kid (who got shafted with the "heart" ring) walked around hugging trees. As they were causing mischief towards "evil" corporations who were simply providing income and jobs to their workers, a big blue guy was messing more shit up on a big scale. He was Crane Kicking the piss out of an off-shore drilling or nuclear power plant so we had to buy more oil from the middle east. Thanks you fucking smurf-blue, Al Gore spooning, litter hating mook! Obviously you hate litter more than hypocrisy because your soul is black too.

I am glad I don't have a super power. If the adage is correct that absolute power does corrupt absolutely then humanity needs to stay as far from it as possible. I'm sure that one way or another I would do a ton of good with it (as would you), but look at Peter Parker...he was a total dick and his uncle got killed because of it.

If it does ever happen you can bet I'm going to abuse it. Short commute flights to work, playing pranks on evil foreign leaders (putting the Sphinx's head in their back yard and calling the cops on them), and occasionally ripping a car door off some asshole who double parks me at the grocery store.

As for world-wide terror, mayhem, murder, and destruction? No way. I'll be too damn busy drinking beers in Cabo with my wife.

"Give The People What They Want..."

2010-04-14T07:51:00.001-07:00

I have no connection to this album by the way.
It just matched the blog title.

The modern view of sales in America is that the consumer is an over-educated buyer and should get exactly what they want. I believe to some degree this is patronizing and at worst extremely bad business.

I had Frappuccino training at work the other day. We are switching the way that these are made for the first time since they have been created (regarding ingredients at least that I know of).

Before we would have a coffee base which was basically a strong instant coffee which we would mix with a Frap base which was like a strange high-fructose heavy cream to make blendable mixture. This you would combine with a nigh-endless amount of mix-ins and syrups for a combination of drinks boarding on the complexity of DNA.

The new stuff is basically a coffee base which is added from the counter top via pump into a cup. Then you add milk (instead of that strange box of goo) in the cup. Then you pour it into the blender pitcher. Then you add ice, toppings, syrups, and squirts of a frap base which looks like rubber cement but obviously more sweet. Then of course pour, serve and smile.

This new process adds a few lengthy steps plus some I haven't mentioned. The benefit is the new stuff has no high-fructose corn syrup (finally!) and can be catered more specifically to the consumer. You can get decaff Frappuccinos now as well as ones with soy milk or even half-and-half. The main problem is of course time which is never a factor when designing asinine new tactics on a corporate level.

Back to the point of it all: You can't please everyone. Like a Ricky Nelson song it's true. You can make acceptable attempts at making most consumers happy but "everyone" is impossible. In attempting to do this you often add complexity, costs, and ultimately time to the transaction. Time taken to get a drink is probably the most important for people who visit drive-through windows because they are lazy fuckers to begin with. I am the exact same when I go to a fast-food window...give me fast, fuck quality!

The problem is that by catering to the niche you may "increase sales" in that region but who knows what they are not buying instead? Maybe the soy Latte or Mocha drinker is now buying Frappuccinos. Great! Does that pencil out? Is the Frappuccino a customer indoctrination/retention tool or a profit monster? I don't really know. It's quite a bit slower and more complicated than a few shots and a steam wand in milk. It reminds me of good old (albeit racist) Henry Ford who I will paraphrase brutally,

Regarding the Model T: "You can have it in any color you want...as long as it's black."

A humorous line until half a decade or so later when Chevrolet started building a competing car in you guessed it: Multiple colors! Who followed with colors shortly after? I wonder.

Then there are the Apple and In-N-Out Burger's of the world. They believe in the, "We do a few things well and keep it simple" method of business. People ride the trends and wait for the next big thing but they don't get bossy because they are being parented in a way. You also see this with Honda and other businesses. Apparently their marketing department isn't churning business and trying to just retain their jobs at the expense of the company's good nature.

Starbucks on the other hand claims to have 87,000 drink combinations! This doesn't even take into account the ones we make up out the damn blue depending on the van dweller who stumbles in with a craving. While this is partially having to do with the dozen syrups, milks, and toppings which don't add to the expenses of the company...the other stuff does cost money to keep around and time to train/make. The point is they actually are trying to cater to this and if someone were to come up to me and ask for something completely strange (like a steamed-hot Frappuccino) we are trained to accommodate. Don't tell the person who obviously never got his/her hand slapped for reaching into the cookie jar that it's not on the menu...just make the damn drink and smile. Better yet, waste 5-10 minutes to make something that sells for $4? This leaves in my opinion a questionable product and sometimes questionable nutritional content which is un-trackable; this is ultimately the crime in my mind.

The problem in catering to the niche is volume. If you are focusing on a small eccentric group, raise the prices and expect slow business. If you are streamlining for volume don't hang onto the niche. At the least streamline the shit out of it and pretend it's the niche. Most people can't taste the difference and the rest would just order something else if their "custom" product was not available.

Despite popular belief the customer is NOT always right. Sometimes they have to be told "no" and sometimes they need a suggested alternative (of course in a polite way). Hell, for one smoothie drink I actually peel bananas which is completely ass-backwards considering they can probably make it into a liquid base or put them in an ice cube tray.

I understand choices but you have to draw a line. When a customer becomes a time-sink and pampered troll biting the hand that feeds it you have gone way too far. Transactional profit and time required to make the sale are on a sliding scale. The quicker companies figure this out the better. It's a sad truth of life in general but that doesn't make it less truthful.